Wife: “What about right before we separated? You tried to talk me into paying more than I could afford on the bills. How about five years ago when we had to file for bankruptcy? What about two years ago? It’s a pattern you don’t want to see.” 

Husband: “Look, I don’t really want to fight about all this.”

Wife: “Right. And that’s why you sent me the bill, huh?”

And so it goes. One person launches a provocative attack catching the unsuspecting partner unaware, and the fight is on.

Let’s look at this interaction critically.

The husband in this case feels hurt and resentful about his wife moving out. The wife is tired of fighting as well, but can’t contain the resentment she feels for him allowing it to leak out at any and every opportunity and keeping him spinning in confusion and frustration. She feels hurt and upset about a bill being sent to her, but instead of sharing her feelings in a reasonable manner, she launches a story-starter.

I got the bill you sent me. Why did you send it to me? It’s your bill. You know I can’t afford this payment...This is the kind of stuff that drives me crazy. You’ve done this to me the whole twenty years we’ve been married...

Neither make progress at containing their emotion or conflict. Both react to story-starters. Both get “hooked” by the other’s barbs and provocations, taking them further and further from the peace and harmony they once knew.

Here is another example of a story-starter from a man struggling with the separation from his wife.

Dear Dr. David: I'm a lost soul.  My wife of 19 years recently explained to me she has fallen in love with a family friend.  We are now in the process of divorce. I never dreamed this would ever happen to me.  I trusted in the promise to love for better or worse but now I must accept the reality that my wife doesn't love me anymore and wants to move on as she has moved in with her new man and our children.  I'm supposed to just go on for the good of the children.

I've tried to do this but I miss my wife. When my wife talks to me, I know I react to things she says. She says things angrily and then I respond with the same tone, only adding to our tension. I am so filled with hurt and anger, and she seems so spiteful to me. I can’t stand the way she treats me, and it hurts to see her with this other man. We are both Christians.  Should I just quietly move on, or should I call her out about what is right and wrong? When I tell her what she is doing is wrong, she gets even angrier with me. What should I do? ~ Hurt and Confused

Dear Hurt:

Your wife has moved out and is with another man. Whatever has happened leading to this is in the past, but what you can control now is the present and how you interact with her.