One powerful way to change your interactions is to avoid getting hooked by story-starters—which are provocative statements tempting you to react in a negative manner. Story-starters are usually critical in nature, and our natural tendency is to counter-react, or offer a defensive response. This kind of reacting will not work! It is like adding gasoline to a fire—only further damage will be done.

You must anticipate story-starters, be prepared for them and be able to respond in a healthy manner. This, of course, is easier said than done. But, you must learn how to do it.  A few guidelines may help:

1. When she criticizes or attacks you, take a moment before you respond. Never react impulsively. Watch for her attacks, imagining them flying over your head.

2. Never defend yourself. Empathize with her feelings, but don’t launch into your defense. This won’t help. Don’t go down those rabbit trails.

3. Never counter-attack, which is simply another form of defense. You are responsible for your behavior, and she is responsible for hers.

4. Stick with the main issue. Focusing on one issue at a time, stick with the solution, not the problem. Attempt to guide the conversation toward the here and now, and what can be done about the problem.

5. Set boundaries with her. Don’t allow her to vent her feelings on you. Share with her that you want to stick to issues, and seek solutions. If unable to do so without eruptions, let her know you cannot work on these problems without professional help.

6. Don’t criticize her unless she invites you to offer your opinion. Yes, this is nearly impossible to do given the circumstances. But let’s face it. Unless she is receptive to hearing your feelings and thoughts, what you say will be perceived as an attack and will only increase the distance between you.

7. Seek support. Find a helpful friend, pastor or therapist with whom you can vent and explore your feelings. Your wife is no longer the person with whom you can share your feelings.

Story-starters! Nothing can send a normal conversation spiraling out of control faster than provocative, angry statements. You can learn to anticipate, manage and reverse the negative effects of these critical barbs. And yes, one person can change the direction of a conversation.

Let us know how you’ve effectively managed story-starters.