Editor's Note: Do you need sound, Biblically-based advice on an issue in your marriage or family?  Dr. David Hawkins, director of the Marriage Recovery Center, will address questions from Crosswalk readers in his weekly column. Submit your question to him at: TheRelationshipDoctor@gmail.com.

R.E.S.P.E.C.T. is a lot more than a song belted out by Aretha Franklin. It is actually one of the most powerful concepts and principles for creating a healthy, Biblical marriage.

Consider what the Apostle Paul says about respect. “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish……  However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” (Ephesians 5: 25-33)

As you can see, the issue of respect didn’t originate with Franklin. Rather, it is a concept woven throughout Scripture. Without respect, we cannot thrive emotionally or spiritually. Without respect, we cannot grow into the people God has called us to be. God created marriage, and determined that we should respect one another.

As much as we hear the term respect bandied around, we really have little understanding of what it looks like in marriage. Consider these aspects of the respectful marriage:

• Mutual meeting of needs
• Mutual trust
• Mutual giving to one another out of love
• Mutual valuing of each other

What happens when, because of extended periods of conflict or distance, needs are not met? What happens when you no longer feel valued or prized? The typical response is to begin attacking and blaming the other in the hopes that you will begin to feel respected again.

Imagine you are a scuba diver, swimming freely with your mate beneath the surface of the water enjoying the colors and beauty of the coral reef. Suddenly, your mate yanks at your oxygen tank. Feeling deprived of oxygen and desperate, you thrash about and possibly even grab for her oxygen. Suddenly, instead of enjoying the coral reef, you’re in crisis.

This scene is similar to what occurs when we deprive our mate of respect. They begin to feel desperate and may even begin attacking you in a effort to get their needs met. Of course it doesn’t work. Only cooperation and mutually meeting each other’s needs, will be effective in solving the problem.

Many today are experiencing a profound lack of respect in their marriage. Consider this recent email expressing her emotional pain:

Dear Dr. David: I know I am to respect the decisions of my husband.  How do I show respect to him when he has made and is still making decisions that are not pleasing to God?  For example he had an affair about two years ago that about split up our family.  The kids never found out and very few people know about it.  I got help through a counselor, but my husband refused to attend the sessions.  Now he has chosen to forgo attending church with us and he doesn't read his Bible at all.