Editor's Note: Do you need sound, Biblically-based advice on an issue in your marriage or family?  Dr. David Hawkins, director of the Marriage Recovery Center, will address questions from Crosswalk readers in his weekly column. Submit your question t TheRelationshipDoctor@gmail.com.

“I am just so angry with him,” Sarah said, glowering at Kyle, her husband of fifteen years. Visibly shaking, Sarah continued. “He won’t listen, so I know I scream and raise my voice. I can’t help it.”

“Any then she expects me to listen,” Kyle said hotly. “I knew I was going to get beat up on, and that’s why I was really reluctant to come to one of your Marriage Intensives.”

Sarah was crying now, holding her face in her hands.

Lifting her head, Sarah continued. “I don’t want to make him afraid of me. I just want to make sure he hears how important this is to me. Things have got to change. I’ve got to make him understand.”

“Listen to her now, Doc,” Kyle said, leaning back in his chair. “Even sitting here, with you as a referee, she’s coming at me. Do you really expect me not to be afraid?”

Kyle and Sarah had flown in the night before to the The Marriage Recovery Center as a “last ditch hope” to save their marriage. Both were understandably raw and wounded. Both harbored mounds of resentment, spewing venom at one another without restraint.

“I don’t blame either one of you for your feelings,” I said. “But clearly this pattern of relating isn’t working, and like most couples, the process is the problem. Since that is what is wreaking havoc in your marriage, we’ve got to change the process. And we can!”

“I don’t know how to do that,” Sarah said, still notably angry. “I’m still so upset and I know I push him away when I’m this mad. But, I can’t change it. I try to talk to him about anything, and he pushes away. He just won’t listen.”

Sarah spent the next few minutes complaining about her husband’s lack of understanding about how she wanted him to treat their seven-year-old son. She felt that he was too harsh and wanted to make sure he understood and changed.

“Sarah,” I said slowly, “do you think his detachment may have something to do with your approach?”

“I know it does,” she said firmly. “I can be horrible at times. I’m ashamed of myself. But, I’m telling you, I can’t help it. He won’t listen to me, and I’ve got to make him hear me.”