“Great way to make me hear you,” Kyle said sarcastically.

“Folks,” I said. “We’ve got to agree on something. All three of us have to agree on something before we can go any further.”

“What’s that?” Kyle said.

“Well, you’ve got four options as far as I can see. Let’s consider what you want to do. But, I encourage you both to think through these four options extremely carefully.”

“One, you work with me individually for a while to drain off some of your angry venom. This is a very reasonable approach, and once you’ve drained off some of your anger and hurt, you may be better able to sit with your mate and engage in therapy.”

Both nodded and felt like this might be a good idea. Kyle noted that he thought Sarah needed individual work, and not surprisingly, Sarah felt like Kyle needed individual work. I saw this as simply more blaming of each other.

“Two,” I continued, “we can create a time where you simply vent your anger and hurt at the other, while your mate develops a layer of Teflon so they don’t take everything you’re saying personally. This is your chance to 'therapeutically vent,' prior to moving into a more therapeutic level of communication.

“He’s already got on five layers of Teflon,” Sarah said sarcastically. “I don’t want you spraying any more on him.” Kyle rolled his eyes as I called her on her sarcastic and biting words. She apologized.

“Our third option,” I said, “is to try to continue on with couple’s work, while you work very hard to put everything you say through Ephesians 4: 29—Letting no unwholesome word proceed out of your mouth, except that which is fitting for building up others according to their need.” Both echoed the Scripture with me, obviously having learned it before.

“Finally,” I said, “you can continue to do things the way you’ve always done them. But, I doubt you’ve flown across the country to simply keep practicing techniques that destroy each other and your marriage.”

“As you decide what you want to do,” I continued, pausing while looking at both of them overwhelmed with feelings of hurt, “let me remind you that both of you are hurting and want relief. You’re both stepping on each other’s air hose, and you’re both grabbing at each other seeking relief. Consider seeing your mate as someone who wants relief, and consider seeing yourself as someone who can give that relief.”

Sarah looked at Kyle for a few moments while dabbing at her tears, and then looked down. Kyle stroked his beard and continued looking at Sarah.