“One more thing,” I added. “You can’t make the other person understand you. That kind of manipulation is easily seen by the other, and they will resent you for it. You can ask them to engage in a dialogue about issues, but you can’t push them to see things your way.”

Looking at his wife, Kyle responded. “We both have to change our patterns,” Kyle said. “This isn’t easy, but I’m willing to ‘lean in’ as Doc says. Will you go easy on me?”

“Yes,” Sarah said softly. “I see you trying, and that’s all I ask.”

“So?” I asked. “What option are you taking? I’d like you to spend a couple of minutes deciding how you want to handle our time. Options one, two and three are constructive. Option four is very destructive. I’d like you to talk about it.”

I watched as they carried on a constructive conversation, discussing the pros and cons of each option. After about five minutes they looked at me and announced their choice.

“We both want some individual time with you while we vent our frustration. We want to then try to come back together and talk to each other with respect, not trying to manipulate the other into seeing things our way, or doing things the way we want them to do them.”

Coercive communication---where we try to force our mate to subscribe to our view of the world—is a very destructive force in many marriages. Many have trouble understanding we can invite our mate to see our point of view, encouraging them to share with us, but we cannot force them to do so. We can share our feelings, but cannot push our opinions onto others. To opinionate our mate is to actually engage in a form of violence.

Consider how you share with your mate. Reflect on how you approach hot topics—and every couple has them—and ask yourself whether you are approaching them with “an Ephesians 4: 49 attitude.” Back off, invite conversation and see if they don’t begin to feel safer, being more willing to engage in discussion about issues.  Stop seeking to be right, and rather seek relationship.

Many relationships can be saved if the warning signals are heeded.

Published February 24, 2009