I’ve become so frustrated because I can’t talk to him about his problem. He becomes defensive and angry. He denies having a problem, and greatly minimizes how much he loses. I don’t even know anymore whether he is telling the truth or lying. What I do know is that he has taken out an additional loan on our house to pay off credit card debt.

Since he won’t admit he has a problem, what can a spouse do? In some ways I wish he were an alcoholic, where I could see how much he is drinking. This way, I cannot control what he spends. I can see our life’s’ savings going down the drain and feel helpless to stop it. Please help me and thousands of other wives and husbands whose spouse is sucked into this mess. ~ The Gambler’s Wife

Dear Reader:

Reaching out for help is the first thing to do. Good for you. Many spouses attempt to manage the problem on their own, or get caught in the power struggle of trying to talk their mate into rational behavior—giving up the gambling. An addiction is not a rational process—it creates distorted thinking, irrational behavior, and altered brain chemistry.

Second, it is critical to view this problem as an addiction. As such, he cannot control his gambling, nor can you. You cannot expect him to tell you the truth about his problem. Addictions thrive in secrecy. They escalate because the addicted person denies the damage this process (or substance) is having on their life. Addicts of any kind will lie, minimize, deny or try all kinds of wild schemes to deceive themselves and others into believing there really is no problem. But, they are wrong!

Third, don’t shame him. Don’t bully him, scream at him or try to shame him into changing. If he is addicted, and it certainly appears that he is, his cravings for gambling are intense. The pull of the casino is greater than any shame or guilt you might want him to feel. At some level he knows the mess he’s in, but that is not enough to cause him to choose treatment.

Fourth, get support. You must have sources of support who will tell you the truth about addictions. They will confront your denial and “stinkin’ thinkin.’” You must have prayer partners who will pray with you for wisdom and strength. You must have another perspective so you can make good, healthy choices. You will need friends around when it’s time to take action.

Fifth, the problem will get worse without intervention. Please understand you cannot wish his problem away. You dare not get drawn into his rationales that he is only one win away from having his money back, or that he is not spending as much money as you suspect. His addiction is out of control—yours and his. Get help. Find an addictions treatment program in your community and see if they treat gamblers. Learn all you can about this problem and addictions in general. Learn about interventions and then prepare to take action.