Responsibility is a critical issue between many men and women. Responsibility—the ability and willingness to respond—is a key building block in marriage. We know the importance of keeping our word and the impact truth-telling has on respecting our mate.

Keeping our word is not only an emotional issue, but a spiritual one as well. Scripture is replete with instruction regarding keeping our promises, and the importance of being a man, or woman, of integrity:

• “If a man vow a vow unto the Lord, or swear an oath to bind his soul with a bond; he shall not break his word, he shall do according to all that proceedeth out of his mouth.” (Numbers 30: 2)
• “Oh keep my soul and deliver me: let me not be ashamed, for I put my trust in thee. Let integrity and uprightness preserve me; for I wait on thee.” (Psalms 25: 20-21)

Ginger struggles to respect her husband when he doesn’t follow through on his promises. She becomes irritable and critical, gradually losing respect for Kevin. Kevin feels increasing resentment, sensing his wife’s disapproval and criticism. He feels angry about her distance. They are caught in an increasingly serious downward spiral. What is the answer?

While there is no simple answer, I believe the solution begins with Kevin. What must he do to begin an upward, positive cycle?

1. Keep his word. When Kevin agrees to do something, he must stay focused and ensure that he does exactly what he has agreed to do. He must keep every aspect of his word, without excuses, justifications or “crazymaking” behaviors;
2. Win back his wife’s respect and admiration. Since Kevin has failed to keep his word, and has caused much distress, he must take the lead in winning back her respect. He can do this by not only keeping his word, but being sensitive to, and anticipating his wife’s needs, doing everything in his power to meet them;
3. Appreciate and validate his wife’s frustration and anger. It will do no good to respond in kind to her frustration. He cannot retaliate with an irritable and resentful attitude. This is a time to exhibit emotional strength, rising to the challenge of winning his wife’s heart. He must be on a quest to be a man of integrity.

What is Ginger’s part in this downward cycle? What can she do to heal their relationship?

1. Be very clear about expectations. Be clear about expectations and consistent in her expectations. She must be extremely careful not to give mixed messages.
2. Catch Kevin doing things right. A critical spirit and disrespectful attitude won’t help Kevin. His efforts must be noticed and valued. She must remind herself of things he is still doing right, in spite of the things in which he is failing. 
3. Hold Kevin accountable for irresponsible actions. While this can be challenging, they must hold each other accountable for agreements. While there certainly must be times of grace, there must also be times of tough love.
4. There must be consequences for irresponsible behavior. Irresponsibility cannot be ignored. A boundary without consequences is not a boundary—it is a wish and a hope. It is fuzzy thinking with fuzzy boundaries.

If you find yourself married to Mr. Irresponsible—or Mrs. Irresponsible, it’s time for a serious discussion. Don’t keep doing what you’ve always done, getting what you’ve always got. See my book, Dealing With the CrazyMakers in Your Life, exploring together how you’ve created chaos in your marriage. Establish clear expectations with clear consequences for any failures. Make room for times of grace, noting progress.