3.   Your history doesn’t have to predict the future. You can rewrite your history by creating new history. As you form new patterns, and slowly change the way you interact with your mate, suddenly you have new history that can be very exciting;

4.   Prepare to create a crisis. Change rarely happens before a crisis of some sort. I like to say, “ It takes a breakdown before there can be a breakthrough.” Are you ready to really change things? Are you ready to start with changing yourself?

5.   A little change is not enough. Don’t settle for a few counseling sessions. Sign up for the full deal. Don’t be afraid to ask your therapist how long they think it will take. Ask what exactly needs to be changed. At The Marriage Recovery Center we offer a full analysis of relationships along with diagnosis and recommendations. Obtain a clear understanding of what it will take to get you to where you want to go.

6.   Stick with the change process. Don’t give up. Don’t give in. Stick with it. Be focused and firm, with clear objectives and an understanding of the path to get there.

7.   Use consequences effectively. Yes, consequences are an effective aspect of every relationship. We teach people how to treat us, and generally they get the message if they know we mean business.

8.   Catch each other doing things right. Notice progress. Pay attention to small and large efforts and appreciate them. Enjoy the progress made by your mate to improve your relationship.

You don’t have to be stuck in the past. You don’t have to settle for a mediocre marriage. You can be wise and use that wisdom to stop settling, create a crisis, and then institute change. Come out of hiding, get professional help, and then establish a plan to make your future become your new history filled with possibilities.

I’d love to hear from you with comments about this article. Are you struggling with marriage problems in your relationship? Please share your concerns with me at TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com. 

Posted May 4, 2009.