He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men. Ecclesiastes 3:11

Finding anything good to focus on is difficult when you’re in the midst of a marriage crisis. Waves of emotion create a gulf between you and your mate. With your emotional bridge in shambles, seeing the other side can be tough.

Steven is a bright lawyer who is married to Sarah, a winsome young woman. I began working with them after a severe crisis in their marriage prompted them to call for an emergency appointment.

Steven and Sarah are both in their early thirties and have three children. They came to see me after Steven had an affair with his personal assistant at his law firm. The affair, which he readily admitted after being discovered, devastated both of them.

“I never thought I’d do something like this,” Steven said with obvious disgust.

“And I never thought you’d be capable of it either,” Sarah said. “I thought we had so much going for us, but I guess not. If you could do this, we don’t have anything.”

Sarah was obviously filled with anger and needed to vent. I waited for her to continue.

“I asked Steven to leave last week,” she said. “We have nothing if we don’t have trust. I’m not sure if there’s even any purpose in us coming to counseling. What’s the point? I’m not sure if I want to be married to a man with so little self-control.”

Steven threw his hands up in the air and looked at me.

“I hope you can talk some sense into her,” he said. “She’s got me painted as a criminal. It’s not like I’m denying what I did. It was wrong and I know it. But it’s not like there’s nothing worth salvaging here.”  

“You don’t get it,” Sarah snapped. “Anyone who can cheat on his wife and children obviously doesn’t think much of his marriage. So I’m not real interested in hearing about all that we’ve got to salvage.”

I listened to their troubling story, attempting to help each understand the other and offering hope that we’d be able to stabilize their marriage if they were willing. I discussed strategies for creating safety, which we’ve talked about in previous chapters. However, our session ended too quickly, and I was skeptical that they believed they could find anything worth saving.

Sarah and Steven left my office discouraged. She was weary from trying to understand how her husband could cheat on her. She was furious, but she was also frightened that he might cheat again. She felt fragile and wounded, unsure of how she would manage their three children without his help if she left him.

Steven also wondered if their marriage could be saved. I scheduled additional sessions with them and also agreed to meet with Sarah alone to help her consider her options and determine how best to cope with this emergency.

A Salvage Project

Sarah is extremely disheartened and sees nothing to salvage in their relationship. She sees only more trouble on the horizon. Is she right? Is there nothing to salvage? Is it time for her to walk away? Many people in her circumstances do just that. However, it’s important to consider the possibilities when the problem is fixable. Acting impulsively is rarely the best choice.

An exciting movement is taking place in many of our urban areas. In Seattle and Tacoma, close to where I reside, run-down warehouses are being transformed into chic, modern loft condominiums. Worn brick facades are being sandblasted and restored to their original beauty. What was once on the short list for demolition is now being targeted for renovation.

Someone had the insight to see the possibilities in these industrial sections of town, once considered to be a blight on the urban landscape. Now, after standing empty for many years, these classic buildings are bustling with boutiques, salons, day spas, and luxury apartments.

Rather than focusing on the problems, developers and designers saw the possibilities. They looked beyond the rust and rubble to the distinctive lines and patina.

My wife has that kind of eye. Christie can see beyond the obvious and into the possibility. She can integrate the potential into the problem. Recently, she excitedly asked if I’d go with her to see an old barge located in a marina not far from our home.

“Why do we want to see an old barge?” I said.

“Because it has possibilities. I saw a picture of it and noticed that it had wonderful lines and lots of interior room. It could be something.”

“What do you mean?”

“I just mean it could be something. I don’t know what it could be. You have to keep an open mind.”

Keeping an Open Mind

An open mind? For a couple in crisis, this is like swimming across the Amazon River without fear of crocodiles and piranhas. When danger signs are everywhere, keeping an open mind goes against every instinct. Fleeing seems like a more reasonable option.

Sarah didn’t want to keep an open mind. She wanted to form a kangaroo court right then and there, haul in her husband and the other woman, and find them guilty. She had no desire for patience, tolerance, or understanding.

To keep an open mind is nearly impossible when your relationship is held together by a thread, when you feel angry, hurt, and misunderstood. With emotions running rampant, insight and wisdom are in short supply.           

To her credit, Sarah came back for counseling. She struggled, however, with many challenging questions:

Did his affair really mean there was nothing to salvage?

What positive qualities in their marriage could she still count on?

Was her husband likely to repeat his infidelity?

How could she show her love for him when she was so angry and hurt by his behavior?

Your crisis might be different from Steven and Sarah’s. Perhaps you’re not struggling with sexual unfaithfulness. Perhaps you’re besieged by a lack of safety in your marriage, a lack of emotional warmth and affection, or an atmosphere of bitterness and hostility that never seems to abate.

You may be struggling as much as Sarah to keep an open mind. Being hurt again and again creates an environment of antagonism and animosity, and you’ve begun to see your mate in a negative light. You’re in a crisis, and you’ve lost the ability to remember the good things about your marriage.

Remember

When a marriage is flooded with negative emotions, as is the case during most crises, we forget the good qualities that attracted us to our mate in the first place. Our positive feelings are obliterated by so many hurts and hurdles that we can hardly find our way back to where we once were. We distance ourselves from the positive feelings in order to survive. This is a natural aspect of denial.

The good news is that the positive feelings are often still there, but they’re buried beneath the ruin of harsh words, degrading actions, and distant demeanor. We become separated from what has been good and vibrant in our marriage, and now, striving to maintain an open mind, we must remember. We must reattach ourselves to those wonderful qualities that currently lay dormant. These positive feelings, often razor thin, can help form the foundation of the bridge that allows us to find our way back to our mate.

Just like those designers and visionaries who looked at the aged buildings in downtown Seattle and Tacoma and saw vibrant shops, lofts, cafes, and walking malls, you must work hard to remember the beauty that lies beneath the ashes in your marriage. Rather than rehearsing the pain that screams, “There’s nothing left to save,” you must force yourself to remember and reconnect yourself to the good that lies buried in the hidden places of your marriage.

When I met with Sarah for several individual sessions, I encouraged her to vent her enormous pain. Her loss was immense: the innocence of young love and a seemingly perfect family; betrayal by the man she’d held in high regard; the endless, sordid pictures in her mind of her husband being with another woman; having to explain to their children why their daddy was no longer living in their home. Her pain was great, her loss overwhelming.

But hidden in the debris of that pain were possibilities. I asked her to do something she didn’t want to do—remember.

I asked Sarah to tell me about their marriage, how they’d met, the activities they’d enjoyed as a family, and the qualities that had made her happy to be Steven’s wife. She initially flinched when asked to do so—it was far easier to stay enraged and wounded with her pain serving as a protective barrier. If she could stay furious, perhaps she’d never be hurt like this again. Unfortunately, she would also forfeit the possibility of salvaging a loving marriage. She’d relinquish the opportunity to learn how and why this had happened and what she could do to lessen the likelihood of it occurring again. She’d give up the possibility of having a deeper, richer marriage than she thought possible.

Sarah softened during her third session. I’d sent her away from the previous meeting with instructions to write down at least five reasons she decided to marry Steven. Her list was exactly what I’d hoped to see.

He was a kind, gentle man, sympathetic to those in need.

He had a great sense of humor and was always witty and ready to have fun.

He was bright and able to carry on genuine conversations.

He was determined. He wanted to do something with his life.

He wanted a family and was a caring husband and father.

He took responsibility for his failures.

“How many of these qualities still exist?” I asked.

“I’m not sure,” she replied. “The Steven I know is gone. I don’t know this guy.”

“You talk as if Steven is no longer himself, as though he’s turned into some monster with a split personality.”

“Those are my thoughts exactly: some kind of monster. That’s the only way I can explain what happened.”

“I think that’s your hurt and anger speaking, Sarah. You can’t decide if he is still a sensitive man. You don’t know if he still has a good sense of humor. You don’t think he still wants his family more than anything. But I think both of us know that’s not the case.”

“Nothing can justify what he did.”

“What he did was horrible,” I said. “No question. But can you honestly say he doesn’t still have the qualities you cared about in the beginning?”

Sarah began to cry uncontrollably.

“He hurt me so bad,” she said. “How could he do that to me? I’ve loved him completely. I didn’t deserve this.”

“No, you didn’t,” I said. “And it will be incredibly difficult to move past this. You need to realize that some things will challenge you as you try to deal with this. Some aspects of the marriage may have played a role in his affair.”

“Are you saying I caused this?” she snapped.

“Of course not,” I said. “But you’ll need to keep an open mind when it comes to understanding the factors that played a role in his poor choice.”

“I’m just afraid we’ve lost everything and that we’ll never be able to get it back.”

“I’ve worked with hundreds of couples in this situation, Sarah, and many are able to rebuild their marriages. If they can keep an open mind, they discover that the man or woman they fell in love with is still there. In your case, Steven wants to make things right. He wants to make amends, learn how and why this happened, and do everything humanly possible to make sure it never happens again.”

“Maybe,” Sarah said. “I’d like to believe we could patch our lives back together.”

“Will you do your best to remember the qualities you’ve always loved about Steven? I’d like you to read your list to me again and imagine that they still exist.”

After many counseling sessions, Sarah began to understand that the things she loved about Steven were still there and available to her—if she would allow the healing to begin.

Reaching for the Positive

Remembering anything positive is challenging in the midst of broken trust, violated safety and stability, and painful emotions. Everything can appear bleak. That’s the nature of crises. Perceptions are skewed, emotions are frayed and edgy, and the outlook appears dismal.

In the midst of this desperation, however, opportunity awaits. There is a chance to remember what was good about your mate before the crisis and what still can be grasped within the relationship today and in the future. You can look clearly at the situation and determine if a reasonable risk is worth taking.

Sarah could begin remembering many positive traits about Steven, but to do so she’d have to decide if Steven was worth the risk, and that would require an open mind, a strong dose of wisdom, and immense courage.

We explored some of her memories of what they had built as a couple. Stretching beyond her comfort zone, beyond the ever-present hurt, she began to see some of their legacy:

three lovely children: Brianne (age three), Chelsea (age five), and Tyler (age nine)

several years of teaching young married couples in their church

a beautiful country home where they bred Arabian horses

a large extended family—hers and his

many wonderful vacations, including a favorite at a small coastal village in Mexico

a vibrant church family

a shared enjoyment of movies, the theater, and community activities

a strong and enduring attraction to one another

Sarah smiled faintly as she reviewed the life she had built with Steven. She still loved his company and longed to plan another vacation to the village they enjoyed so much in Mexico. She missed seeing him walk down to the barn in his suit and knee-high boots to water and feed their horses. She missed sitting with him in church and gathering their children for their Sunday afternoon pizza ritual. She missed her old life.

“But that’s all gone now,” Sarah said wistfully. “He ruined it. It will never be the same.”