Editor's Note: Do you need sound, Biblically-based advice on an issue in your marriage or family?  Dr. David Hawkins, director of the Marriage Recovery Center, will address questions from Crosswalk readers in his weekly column. Submit your question to TheRelationshipDoctor@gmail.com.  

Have you ever begun a serious discussion with your mate, and just as soon as you express your feelings, they turn the tables on you? You’re sharing your emotions, making a clear and heart-rending point, and suddenly they shift the focus.

It might sound like this:

“I’m really upset about the way you’re talking to me. You sound angry and critical of me, and I don’t like it.”

You pause, hoping your mate will take ownership of the tone of their voice and the way they are expressing themselves. But instead of empathy, ownership and a change, you get the dreaded ‘Switcheroo.’  

“It’s not me talking in any kind of tone,” they shout, (obviously oblivious to their actions) “but the way you’re talking to me. You ought to hear your tone of voice.”

You stand there dumbfounded, feeling confused and wondering what just happened. The ‘switcheroo’—where your mate takes what you said, puts a spin on it, and then turns it back against you—is another form of crazy-making I discuss in my book, Dealing With the CrazyMakers in Your Life.

Here’s another example:

“I want to talk about needing more support from you about visiting my parents,” one mate says to the other. “I really miss them and want to spend more time with them.” 

“I hope you’re not going to talk about wanting to spend more time with your parents,” they say, (again oblivious to the impact of their actions) “because you know my feelings about that. I already think you spend way too much time with them.”

Stunned in disbelief, you can’t decide whether to launch into a counter-attack or withdraw in silence—both ineffective, but common responses.

“What just happened?” you ask yourself as you feel jerked around. Instead of ‘a safe place for your feelings to land,’ you feel the harshness of criticism, blame and rejection. You’re reeling from ‘the Switcheroo.’ It’s no longer about you, but about them. Unable to attend to your feelings, or listen to what you need, instead your mate turned your feelings around, making it all about them.