Consider this recent email describing symptoms of ‘the Switcheroo.’

Dear Dr. David,

I feel like I can’t talk about anything heated with my wife. Whenever I say anything critical, she becomes defensive and begins to attack me. I try to bring things up in a clear, calm way, but nothing seems to work. She doesn’t want to hear what I have to say, but instead wants to talk about how bad things are for her. It’s always about her, no matter what I say. I feel shut down, scolded and am beginning to give up hope of ever communicating effectively. Am I doing something wrong, or are there people who are just too fragile to ever listen to things they don’t want to hear? Do you have any suggestions for how we can communicate more effectively? ~ Tired of Trying

As a matter of fact, there are people who are quite fragile and have a very low tolerance for hearing anything they don’t want to hear. When confronted, one of their defensive mechanisms is to make you feel like the villain, while claim to be the victim. You are struggling in a situation all too common---attempting to communicate with a mate who is insecure and likely has little insight into her patterns of communicating.

While no one wants to hear criticism, we must recognize that there will be things we say and do that will offend others. With maturity comes the ability to recognize this and listen to challenging information. Those less mature may resort to turning the tables on you and doing ‘the Switcheroo,’ making it all about their feelings rather than attending to you. There are solutions, but they aren’t easy. Consider the following course of action.

First, share your frustration with your mate. Make it clear to her that you want to create an environment where both of you will have an opportunity of airing your complaints. Together you must create “a soft place for our feelings to land.” However, there must be rules for how you will talk to each other. See if your mate is willing to create some guidelines that work for both of you.

Second, agree to have one speaker, and one listener. Each person has a turn, but agree that ‘the Switcheroo’ is unfair, and cannot be part of healthy communication. Even if you have experienced the exact same concern as your mate, they get their chance to share the world from their point of view. Your task is to listen intently to how the world appears to your mate—setting aside temptations to engage in debate or argument.

Third, agree to share what you feel, which stems from what particular need, leading to a positive request. Using this recipe for communication will alleviate any tendency to blame or criticize. This recipe allows you to own your feelings, and ask for what you desire in a positive way. Make your requests positive and specific.