Fourth, listen for the kernel of truth in what your mate is saying. You don’t have to agree with everything, but must listen for “the heart of the matter.” Your mate would not come to you if they didn’t have something important to say. It is also highly likely that there is at least some truth in their concern. Listen for it and acknowledge it.

Finally, after listening to each other and acknowledging the validity of their concern, seek solutions you both can live with. Have some fun in exploring ways to not only meet your mate’s needs, but dedicating yourself to more than meeting their needs. Be a hero/ heroine, a champion of your mate. Eliminate any anxiety they have for the future by developing clear plans to address their concerns.

The ‘Switcheroo’ is a very destructive tactic too frequently used in communication. Agree with your mate to eliminate it, noting the beneficial result of fully attending to each other. I’d love to hear how these strategies work for you. 

Posted June 23, 2009

Dr. Hawkins is the director of the Marriage Recover Center where he counsels couples in distress. He is the author of over 30 books, including When Pleasing Others Is Hurting You, Love Lost: Living Beyond a Broken Marriage, and Saying It So He'll Listen. His newest books are titled  The Relationship Doctor's Prescription for Healing a Hurting Relationship and  The Relationship Doctor's Prescription for Living Beyond Guilt.  Dr. Hawkins grew up in the beautiful Pacific Northwest and lives with his wife on the South Puget Sound where he enjoys sailing, biking, and skiing. He has active practices in two Washington cities.