Editor's Note: Do you need sound, Biblically-based advice on an issue in your marriage or family?  Dr. David Hawkins, director of the Marriage Recovery Center, will address questions from Crosswalk readers in his weekly column. Submit your question to TheRelationshipDoctor@gmail.com.

It is impossible to go through life without not only experiencing pain, but creating it as well. Since the beginning of time, we have been inflicting pain on our mates. "You only hurt the ones you love," are more then lyrics to a song—they are integral parts of life.

In a recent Marriage Intensive Garth and Cynthia worked to restore their marriage. As they dealt with the trouble they knew was on the surface, they uncovered pain they didn't know was there from long ago.

"I was amazed to find out how much I still harbored bitterness toward Garth for the affair he had ten years ago," Cynthia said sadly. "I thought it was all gone, but when he began talking about the anger he sensed I held toward him, there it was flooding back at me."

As Garth watched quietly, I asked her about her pain.

"In some ways it hurts just as much as the day I discovered his affair. I don't know if I'll ever understand how he could do something like that to me. But," she continued slowly, "I know that I hurt him just as much by shutting him out of my life."

Garth's eyes lit up as she spoke.

"I know she holds back from me," he said. "I can tell she's still hurt. I've told her how sorry I am, but I know she hasn't really forgiven me."

"That's not true," Cynthia said defensively. "I have forgiven you. It's just that I'm not ever going to let myself be hurt like that again."

Garth shrugged and laughed nervously.

"See what I mean?" he said looking at me. "Don't tell me she's really forgiven me. She keeps me at arm's length, and she knows it."

Yes, there it was. Hidden pain, created long ago, still impacting their marriage today. I applauded Garth and Cynthia for participating in what I call depth marriage counseling. Willing to go beyond the superficial repairs most settle for, they wanted more healing which would require more work. They wanted real connection. They wanted complete forgiveness and intimacy and are willing to work to get it. But, they also realized this meant revisiting old wounds, and sharing truths and feelings that will be uncomfortable.

Listening to Cynthia, she admitted she had been holding onto bitterness, sadness and anger for years. It was only sitting in counseling, listening to Garth share how he had felt distanced by his wife for years, did she dig deep for feelings of betrayal and hurt.