Jay and Melanie lived about 20 miles from his parents. Many times, on Friday nights, Jay’s parents would drive to their house and the four would play board games until everyone became sleepy. After several months of this, both Jay and Melanie wanted to spend Friday alone. “Why can’t we go to a movie or something by ourselves?” Melanie asked.

If Melanie had gone to Jay’s parents with this request, they might have been offended when she said she and Jay wanted time alone. They may have felt she forced Jay into siding with her. It could even be that because of this, they resented Melanie for the rest of their lives. If, on the other hand, Jay went to his parents and told them he and Melanie loved them very much but needed some time to do things by themselves, they’d probably react with much more understanding and patience.

It’s important to be sensitive to your spouse’s feelings concerning your parents. If he or she feels crowded or disrespected, it’s important you take these feelings seriously and act to improve the situation. These principles should also be taken into consideration by parents and should influence the way they treat their child’s spouse.

Independent Identity

You’ll know you’re in a situation where change should occur when you and your spouse don’t feel you have your own identity. One of the purposes of marriage is for a couple to establish an identity that is independent of their parents. If this doesn’t happen, a healthy marriage becomes much more of a challenge.

Many marriage experts say couples should not live in the same town as either of their parents. The reasoning is that with constant availability of their parents, the couple doesn’t learn to rely on each other. It’s difficult to form an identity together unless each of you learns to rely on the other instead of your parents. It is not my opinion that every couple should live in a separate town from their in-laws, but for some, that situation might be best. It might be best for you if your in-laws are too involved in certain aspects of your relationship – especially if they are too involved in conflicts between you and your spouse.

Part of what it means to have your own identity as a couple is that conflicts are resolved without the involvement of in-laws. The scenario below shows ways a couple could fall into the trap of “in-law dependence” and the consequences they might face if independence is not a priority.

After six months of marriage, Tonya and Matt had their first big fight. What was the subject? It doesn’t matter.

While in tears, Tonya called her mother and told her about the entire ordeal. Her mother listened and became angrier by the minute.

“I’m coming over there,” her mother said.