For Becky to give me mercy is one thing. For me to expect all the blessings of grace to be instantly restored to our relationship is quite a different matter. That would be grace, and God wants her to grant it. But I would have no right to expect it, much less request it, and certainly not demand it.
Come with a repentant heart, eager to change. So I come seeking only mercy. Can I at least hope for grace? Sure you can, but the text suggests that it rightfully hinges on your response to your own sinfulness. As the offender, I see the phrase, "having our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water" Hebrews 10:22) as a clear metaphor for cleaning up my act. I don't simply come appealing to my wife's merciful nature. I come saying I'm aware of my error and am willing to walk away from it. To change my ways. And as Lewis Smedes said, I need to be willing to solicit my wife's help in figuring out what kind of changes need to take place. "The price of their ticket into your life is an open ear; an open mouth gets them only halfway."
Isn't that good? If I come to Becky with an open mouth, asking for her forgiveness, I also need to bring an open ear, ready to hear how I hurt her. I need to let her tell me what needs to change to improve our relationship, which leads to our next point.
Come with a committed heart, reaffirming your vows. Where do I get this idea? Look at the next verse of Hebrews 10.
Let us hold fast to the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful. (v.23).
When I return to God, I lay hold of my confession of faith. My covenant with Him. Again, this is a great model. When I come to my spouse requesting forgiveness, I need to say, "By the way, I want you to know that I'm committed to our relationship." I need to assure her that my misbehavior is a lapse in judgment, not a signal that I'm bailing on my commitment. After enduring angry words or unkind remarks or extended insensitivity or worse, it may not seem logical but it would be perfectly normal for a husband or wife to wonder whether those offenses revealed cracks in the foundation of the relationship. You need to squelch that reaction quickly and clearly. Assure your spouse of your unconditional, lifelong commitment to your marriage.
This is crucial to restoration when the relationship has been wounded by infidelity, Even if you've confessed and repented and are trusting that your actions are communicating this message, say it again anyway. Your spouse needs you to look deeply into her eyes or his eyes and express the reality of your contrition and depth of your commitment.
Come with a loving heart, ready to work at the relationship. When I come back to the church or back to Christ, here's the challenge in Hebrews.
