Stage Three: The Days of Resentment

When feelings have changed and creative, sacrificial acts disappear, marriage partners begin to deeply resent each other. Blaming begins with statements like "You never talk to me anymore," or "We never have sex anymore," or "You always..." It becomes obvious when one partner has reached the point of feeling "stuck" with his or her mate. The one who feels stuck resents the other's inadequacies and may even resent God for allowing the marriage to occur. The other mate feels judged, rejected, and misunderstood, which quickly degenerates into anger. Thus the cycle of resentment has begun.

When couples reach this point of deep resentment, they begin to lose hope. If they don't get help, they typically move in one of two directions. First, they may tragically move toward divorce. Or second, they move towards a compromised marriage.

A compromised marriage is one in which people don't really deal with their mistakes, attitudes, weaknesses, and differences. Instead, each goes his or her own way and purposely avoids the volatile areas of the marriage. It's a pretend marriage. On the surface they appear to be all right, but inside they harbor deep resentment. Occasionally the pressure may build until the couple explode in anger. Try as they will, compromised couples cannot prosper over the long haul.

Sadly, many supposedly successful marriages are really just two people going their own independent ways, being careful not to step on each other's toes. The husband loses himself in his work to compensate for the lack of respect at home. The wife becomes consumed with the children to compensate for the lack of intimacy within the marriage. Ultimately, most compromised relationships lead to a deeper and deeper resentment. If not checked, resentment will destroy a person's life like a cancer.

Stage Four: The Days of Rebellion

Unresolved resentment impacts men and women differently. Women typically become critical, and then fearful. Men become hardened and uncaring. For a season, resentment may simmer behind the illusion of a healthy marriage, fueled by unmet needs. Sooner or later, however, the compounding resentment explodes into overt acts of rebellion against the spouse.

After several years of marriage, Paula's dreams had turned to nightmares. She and Steve had failed to cope with reality in their marriage, and resentment consumed each of them. Her once rosy feelings for Steve were distant history. She not only didn't trust Steve, but she criticized his every move. Her days often seemed burdensome, long, and introspective. The soured marriage was constantly on her mind. Rather than facing the future with confidence, Paula greeted each day with a fear of failure and an increasingly critical attitude towards Steve.

Paula has subconsciously become fearful and depressed. Fearful, hurting people sometimes take desperate actions to regain a sense of control in their lives. Often that action comes in the form of rebellion against God and the mate. Often in counseling wives say something like, "Life is no fun anymore," or "I don't enjoy people like I used to," or "So-and-so (another man) makes me feel so alive and appreciated." God created women and men in such a way that they require hope. Without it, rebellion can erupt into all kinds of behavior that will deliver the final blow to the marriage.