• Understand gender differences. Remember that, in conversations, men tend to analyze the information and women tend to sympathize with the speaker. Generally, men are concerned with getting results, achieving goals, and getting to the bottom line efficiently. Women are concerned with harmony and sharing to improve relationships. No matter what your gender, try to use both your head and your heart when talking and listening to your spouse.

• Listen with your "third ear." Give your full attention to what your spouse says and how he or she says it. Ponder your spouse's message so you can hear the message beneath the words. Take the time to acknowledge and show appreciation for your partner's thoughts and feelings.

• Know when to stop talking. Understand that there are certain times when being silent is more effective than talking. Stop talking when one of you isn't ready to discuss the topic at hand; wait for a better time. Stop talking when you've already said it many times and your partner just isn't responding; you may have to agree to disagree. Stop talking when you need more time to think about a question your spouse asks you; this will give you time to come up with a thoughtful response. Stop talking when one of you is being unreasonable; this allows time and space to relax and revisit the discussion later. Stop talking when you've forgotten the problem you were talking about; cool down, remember, then get back on track. Stop talking when you're spewing unsolicited advice or criticism; your spouse probably won't listen to that. Stop talking when you're talking about something so you can avoid doing it; stop procrastinating and start acting.

• Monitor and improve your self-talk. Be aware of the thoughts that run through your mind on a regular basis. Know that they cut physical grooves into your brain and influence you in powerful ways. Think about what you say to yourself, and ask God to correct inaccurate thoughts in your internal dialogue. Decide to think thoughts that respect yourself and your spouse. Think positive thoughts frequently, and after a while, those positive thoughts will cut new grooves in your brain and help you overcome an unhealthy habit of negative thoughts.

• Let your spouse know what you appreciate about him or her. Make a list of things you appreciate about your partner. Focus on character traits (honesty, creativity, etc.) rather than on what he or she does for you. Show your list to your spouse, and ask your spouse to show you his or her list of your own good character traits. Each of you keep your lists in places where you can read them often. Every few months, revise your lists to keep them fresh.

• Strive for connection rather than perfection. Realize that both of you are bound to make mistakes as you strive to communicate better. Give each other permission to do so. Know that you can still connect as long as you make an effort to do so.


Adapted from Love Talk: Speak Each Other's Language Like You Never Have Before, copyright 2004 by Les and Leslie Parrott. Published by Zondervan, Grand Rapids, Mich., www.zondervan.com.

Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott are co-directors of the Center for Relationship Development at Seattle Pacific University (SPU), a groundbreaking program dedicated to teaching the basics of good relationships. Les Parrott is a professor of clinical psychology at SPU, and Leslie is a marriage and family therapist at SPU. The Parrotts are authors of the Gold Medallion Award-winning Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts, Becoming Soul Mates, Love Is, Relationships, and When Bad Things Happen to Good Marriages. They have been featured on Oprah, CBS This Morning, CNN, and The New York Times. They are also frequent guest speakers and have written for a variety of magazines. The Parrotts are hosts of the national radio broadcast Love Talk. They live in Seattle, Washington, with their two sons.