"Gene likes to play blackjack at the casino," Shirley blurted. "I think it’s a problem. He doesn’t."
"Once a week or so I like to stop by The Lucky Eagle and play cards," Gene offered firmly. "I keep my spending under control. It’s been a bit more lately but I can cut it back."
"Is that all of it?" Shirley asked.
"It is for me," Gene said tersely. "I told you it is no big deal and I can cut back any time I want. And I will."
"Remember three weeks ago when I called you on your cell at eleven o’clock, and you were still playing cards?"
Gene bristled.
"When was the last time I spent my paycheck at the tables? Like I said, this is nothing we can’t work out ourselves."
Shirley looked at me and winced. "Does it sound like we might have a problem to you?"
"It certainly sounds like there might be a more serious problem here than either of you has admitted. I think we should look a little closer."
I spent the rest of the session exploring their relationship and "the problem." What I discovered surprised me.
Gene was a full-fledged gambling addict. He not only liked to play blackjack, as he originally admitted, but was also at the race track on many Saturdays. Reluctantly, he admitted that he had spent numerous paychecks on gambling and that it had played a role in the demise of his first marriage.
Gene’s gradual admission took courage on his part. What was more surprising, however, was Shirley’s posture toward him. As soon as he began to admit a greater problem, her concern for his gambling seemed to lessen. She said he had not spent his paycheck on gambling in the past month. She went out of her way to avoid being overly critical of his behavior and defended his ability to control himself. She was clearly enabling his addiction. She allowed the elephants to parade through her home, pretending they were still off in the distance.
As you listen to Shirley and Gene, perhaps you can see elements of their relationship in your marriage. You may be able to see how you have traits, like Shirley, of codependency — which is any attempt to ignore, and thereby reinforce, another’s weaknesses. This, of course, only makes matters worse. Gene needs immediate help, but will not likely volunteer to get it because of denial. Shirley, because of her own denial and codependency, fears forcing the issue. They will undoubtedly have serious problems in the days ahead.
Christ taught much about peace with others, but also taught about breaking out of denial. He said that it was important to "speak the truth in love," (Eph. 4: 15) and that "the truth shall set you free." (John 8:32) His message challenges us to be honest instead of mincing words. We must occasionally look our mates in the eye and say we are unhappy with the way things are. We do not approve of their excessive drinking, spending, work, drug use, deception, and yes, even avoidance of conflict. We cannot sit with the silence any longer. It’s time to talk. Take a moment with your mate and answer these questions:
