In the Sermon on the Mount Jesus tells the crowd that they do not have what they need because they do not ask. "For everyone who asks, receives; he who seeks, finds, and to him who knocks, the door will be opened." (Matthew 7: 8) This is a profound statement. He expects us to ask for what we want, petitioning Him again and again. To the blind man who had waited for the stirring of the Pool of Bethesda for thirty-eight years, he asks, "Do you really want to be healed?" (John 5: 6) He expects us to do our part. Change begins with a clear definition of what we want, and moves forward based on the sincerity of our requests, taking responsibility for our part. "Each one should carry his own load," the Apostle Paul states. (Galatians 6: 5)
You ask if there is any hope when they lack motivation to work on their marriage. My answer may surprise you. Yes, of course, there is hope. If you are willing to look closely at your relationship, determining trouble areas and work on them, while enhancing positive areas, you can make tremendous progress. I assist couples in becoming mindful of how they sabotage good feelings, while increasing and practicing those behaviors that bring change and positive feelings.
With this simple recipe in mind, I encourage you to make a list of your specific behaviors that annoy your wife. Make a similar list of the behaviors she does that annoy you. Then ask your wife what behaviors would make her feel good about you, and share with her what would make you feel good about her. Agree to try a thirty-day experiment where you eliminate the troubling behaviors, and practice the positive behaviors. I call this experiment "planting seeds and pulling weeds," where at the end of thirty days you take inventory on the garden of your relationship. Enter this challenge with a sacrificial attitude, and ask God to bless your actions.
On this note, I’m issuing a general challenge to all couples in distress. Will you participate in a thirty-day experiment? Under the guidance of a trained counselor, take the thirty-day plunge. Set critical, doubtful feelings aside and agree to "fake it until you make it." Agree with your mate to give it an honest try. Pray together every day to do your part in planting seeds and pulling weeds, and send your results to me at this column.
One last thing. I’d like you to memorize Ephesians 4: 29: "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." God bless.
Dear Dr. David,
My husband and I are two very busy professionals who want to continue our career but avoid the statistics of those who end up divorcing. We see our friends’ marriages disintegrating and sometimes it seems like it has to be our career or our marriage. We want a Christ-filled marriage, and family, while maintaining our careers. We’d appreciate any advice on how we can accomplish these goals.
