--Busy in Love
Dear Busy,
I want to applaud you for considering the pitfalls in trying to enjoy your professions while caring for your marriage and family. I think you are already on the right track—you are mindful that there are many ways your careers and busyness could derail your marriage, and that balance is critical.
Many talk about "balance" in their life, and yet this is very difficult to achieve. Many want the fruits of a busy professional life while not sacrificing marital and family time. This is a difficult to attain, but it can be done.
The key is maintaining ongoing awareness of how you are doing, keeping lines of communication open with your mate and children. It is critical that you have a time when you "check in" with your spouse, asking tough questions such as:
1 "How are we doing?"
2 "What else do you need from me?"
3 "What else can I do for you to make you feel better about me?"
4. "How do you think we’re doing with our kids?"
These questions are best asked, of course, when you have time and energy to answer them. Creating a "date night," when you are fully present to talk earnestly about your feelings, is a wonderful opportunity to really listen to one another. Create a space, much like we do in our quiet time with the Lord, when we listen, and share, our most intimate feelings. If things aren't going as well as planned, be prepared to make changes. You may need to find creative ways to acheive your goals, such as having one spouse work from home to save commuting costs or be more available to the children.
The same needs to be done with your children. Consider a family meeting time when feelings can be shared openly. There also need to be times dedicated to marital and family fun. Healthy doses of humor, and fun, buoy the family during tougher times.
Don't forget time for yourself. You must make choices so you bring your best self to your marriage and family. That is our responsibility. Exercise, long walks, soaking baths and other small ways to pamper yourself will help rejuvenate your spirit.
As you can see, the biggest ingredient for individual, marriage and family stability is TIME. There are no short-cuts. The myth of quality time over quantity time is just that—a myth. Even as you enjoy the benefits of a vibrant work life, you must always be willing to create time for spontaneity, delight, and surprise for yourself, your marriage and family. Without them, marriages and families quickly become stale and boring. Also, bear in mind that although we can do most anything we set our minds to, we can't always do everything, at least not simultaneously. If you sense your marriage and family are suffering too much, seek God's guidance in regards to your careers. Perhaps He has plans for career advancements later down the line, when the kids are grown. Each situation is different, so it is important to keep the Lord central in all your decisions and seek His blessings in your life.
Do you need sound, Biblically-based advice on an issue in your marriage or family? Dr. David will address two questions from Crosswalk readers in each weekly column. Submit your question to him at TheRelationshipDoctor@gmail.com
David Hawkins, Pd.D., has worked with couples and families to improve the quality of their lives by resolving personal issues for the last 30 years. He is the author of over 18 books, including Love Lost: Living Beyond a Broken Marriage , Saying It So He'll Listen , and When Pleasing Others Is Hurting You . His newest books are titled The Relationship Doctor's Prescription for Healing a Hurting Relationship and The Relationship Doctor's Prescription for Living Beyond Guilt. Dr. Hawkins grew up in the beautiful Pacific Northwest and lives with his wife on the South Puget Sound where he enjoys sailing, biking, and skiing. He has active practices in two Washington cities.
