Dear Dr. David,

I am married to a Control Freak. She is a professional woman who is an executive and used to managing others. The problem is, she doesn’t leave her tension at the office. When she comes home she seems to thrive on telling me and our children exactly what to do. She has no idea how it feels to be judged and made to feel that we cannot do anything right. It’s her way or no way. She blames everyone but herself when things go wrong. I have tried to point these traits out to her, but she keeps doing them. It is destroying our marriage. Please help.  ~ Controlled and Hating It

Dear Controlled,

You are right to say that your wife probably has little understanding of the impact her behavior has on others. It’s called denial, and controlling people use it extensively. While this may surprise you, controlling people often have little insight into their behavior. They are often in professions that reinforce this behavior, and thus it is perpetuated. They truly believe they are "right" in their behavior.

While it might be easy to label your wife, it is more important to understand her and determine the best course of action. It seems that she is an anxious, driven person. I can only imagine that her life is frenetic, and one of the ways she manages her anxiety-ridden life is to micro-manage her family. The problem is that you and your children don’t want to be managed. You don’t what to be judged, and want the latitude to make your own decisions and even mistakes. You want a wife and mother; someone who comes home at night with some energy left for you.

Living with a controlling person can be more than exasperating. It can literally make you feel crazy at times, a topic I talk about extensively in my forthcoming book, Dealing With the CrazyMakers in Your Life. Let me suggest several possible responses to her:

One, empathize with her stress-filled life. Let her know you understand and are ready to help with the tasks at home. Let her know you are co-responsible for duties regarding the children, preparation of meals and other challenges in raising a family.

Second, sit down with her and passionately explain your feelings. Do it when she is rested and most able to listen. Let her know how it feels to be controlled. Encourage her to listen to your pain, even as you listen to hers. Let her know you are willing to partner with her in finding a solution, but that the way she approaches you and the children now will not work.

Third, be specific with her about what exactly needs to change. Don’t assume that she knows, because she may not. As you share your feelings, be proactive in making suggestions that will help both you and her. Let her know how best to approach you with requests, and then follow through with agreements.