"There’s nothing to talk about," was her retort.
That was her final answer.
Enduring Rejection and Loss
Thousands of times each week, the scene between Darren and Amanda is replayed, with slight variations, in houses and apartments across the country. More than 18,000 divorces take place in the U.S. every week of the year, most of them by common agreement after a period of discussion and negotiation.
Yet in many cases the divorce is set in motion by just one party, not both, and it begins with a process of departure and abandonment—someone leaves. Having promised to be together "forever" and stay "until death parts us," someone changes their mind. One day they are at home, and things seem mostly or entirely normal. The next day—they’re gone, and they’re not coming back.
Darren’s emotional stress quickly became physical stress. His health deteriorated daily as the drama of Amanda’s leaving began to play out. By the time the divorce papers arrived, he was in ill health. He had been abandoned by someone he loved.
The departure of a spouse is one of the deepest shocks we can receive—all the more if it’s unexpected. Darren’s mental and emotional anguish displayed themselves in a range of physical symptoms. These were not imaginary ailments—he was truly sick. His suffering was emotional—yet it went beyond thoughts and feelings, affecting his physical health.
Divorce by abandonment is similar to death in its shock and trauma. With a lingering physical illness, such as a long struggle against cancer, our emotions have time to prepare for the eventual suffering that we’ll experience. Although our pain will still be great, our physiological systems have had time to adjust, in advance, to the possibility of loss. In a sense, we are "ready" to process our grief—we have seen it coming in advance.
However, when a soldier is killed in combat, or when a close friend dies in a tragic car accident, there is no time to prepare ourselves. The phone rings, there is a knock at our door, and suddenly our world collapses around us in a heap.
Divorce by abandonment is similar. Even if the marriage relationship may have seemed troubled or tense, when a partner makes a sudden decision to leave us, our emotions can overwhelm us. We go through phases of shock, denial, and anger that are very similar to the emotional stages that accompany the grieving of a death. We may find ourselves literally unable to function—"locked up" mentally or emotionally, befuddled by even the simplest of choices or decisions. Simply put, our emotional systems are overloaded by the bombardment of a sudden, intense, and highly negative stimulus.
