Third, you say that your husband becomes immediately defensive when you try to talk to him. Again, a trained counselor can help both of you to "listen for the kernel of truth" to what your mate is saying without needing to counter-attack. While "owning" our problems is hard work, with the right counsel you can learn to do just that, and the resulting positive change can be dramatic.

So, in summary, come out of hiding, share your burdens with a qualified counselor, seek help from the Holy Spirit-Counselor, and set your heart and mind toward positive change.

Dear Dr. David,

I have been married for five years and it has been a rough go the entire time.  The meat of it results from issues my husband has with severe distrust (almost paranoia at times) and my feeling that I can't discuss anything without it ending up a huge lecture to me.  We are very cyclical:  two weeks nice, fight, two weeks cold shoulder politeness, make up, two weeks nice, etc.  I do not want to end up in divorce.  I need tools to tell me how to work with boundaries.  I understand what they are, how they are appropriate, I have even laid them out there only to have him repent....be nice....and then I don't know what to do and he reverts to the same dominating behaviors.  I have read about boundaries in marriage, but still don't feel like I have a recipe to follow.....I NEED a recipe!  Can you help?

~ Tired of Fighting

Dear Tired,

Yes, I can help, and boundaries are critical to healthy relationships. However, after reading your letter I have a greater concern that you may be struggling with domestic violence. While this word may feel strong to you, domestic violence does not have to include physical acts—it can be patterns of dominance and control, which you cite. You say that your husband is paranoid and lectures you—these fit the pattern of a domestically violent man.

Domestic violence is about control—attempts to make you into the kind of person he wants you to be. I suspect his intimidating tactics may even be working.

You say that the problems are cyclical—again, this is common in domestic violence. There is often a tension-building phase, followed by some form of violence, leading to remorse after the blow-up. He repents and is polite and kind after the blow-up, only leading to more tension, fighting, and another blow-up.

Your husband must agree to seek help and intervention for his patterns of control and abuse. He will likely resist this as most men are inclined to do. He is likely to minimize his control and abuse. This is typical of the syndrome. But, you must be firm that he needs to learn about this problem, as do you, and agree to take drastic measures to end the cycle of violence. He must be held accountable for change. Nothing short of firm, decisive measures will work. This is where setting firm boundaries will be helpful. This means, if you want to see these patterns change, you must state your needs and follow through.