Finally, hold each other accountable for change. If you are intentional about changing these destructive patterns, you will succeed. You can even make learning these skills fun, and marriage-saving. My wife and I practice taking time outs when a discussion starts to turn toward a fight. If either of us violates the time out, the other must give the other a massage. We have learned to throw cold water on smoke--a much better strategy then managing the fire once the forest is ablaze.

Dear Dr. David,

I have been married to my second wife for about ten years and we are having so much conflict that we seem to be headed for a divorce. The problem is that my wife doesn’t like the attention I pay to my two children from my first marriage. In fact, she wants me to quit spending so much time with them, and show her more attention. I only have visitation with them every other weekend, and feel a strong responsibility to be available to them. My own father was a distant man, and I don’t want to be that for my kids. I want to be a strong influence on their development, but my wife seems to be jealous of the time I spend with them. I don’t want to have to choose between them, but she seems to be forcing me to do just that. She has threatened that if things don’t change, she is going to move out. What can I do to save my marriage while also being a good husband? ~ Confused Husband

Dear Confused,

I have heard stories like your many times, with the growing numbers of divorced people and blended families. With divorce hovering near the fifty percent rate, and most people likely to remarry, there are more and more blended families. I strongly counsel couples to get counseling before entering into such a relationship so they will be prepared for some of the trials you discuss. I have a few things for you to consider.

First, both you and your wife need counseling for your situation. Blended families, or what we used to call stepfamilies, have unique challenges not faced by other families. There are issues of loyalty, which you are facing. It is not uncommon for one spouse to feel left out when there are established relationships between the other parent and his or her children. It is also not uncommon for children to get caught in the fray of divided loyalties. They, too, are inclined to feel a stronger attachment to their biological parent, rather than their stepparent, further aggravating the situation.

Second, listen to your wife’s needs. While there are ideal ways to handle blended family struggles, you must deal with your immediate crisis. Your boat is sinking, and you must find ways to bail water. Consider meeting your wife’s immediate need for more attention, even if for the moment that means compromising on what you think is ideal for your children. If she needs extra time with you now, give it to her, with the understanding that you will need to find solutions that work for all of you in the future. Show her that even though you spend time with your children, she has a secure place in your heart.