I have been married for two years, during which time my marriage has been on a real roller coaster ride of highs and lows. My husband was deeply hurt as a child. Most of the hurt came from his father, but now he has real issues with any woman in authority. Every movement I make is a threat to him. I see him as the head of the home. I do not have an issue with that, but somehow he always refers to his childhood. No issue seems to have caused as much pain as the abuse by his father. He is constantly depressed--happy in the morning and in a rage when we go to lunch at midday. He says hurtful things to me, then says he is sorry and does it all over again. I am often in tears because of the pain it is causing me, especially daily threats about leaving me and our marriage not working out. I try to do everything to make him happy. He has serious trust issues. He asks for prayer. I pray for him and he goes okay for a day and then he goes back into old behaviors. Please help me know what to do. ~ A Praying Wife

Dear Praying:

There are many issues needing to be addressed in your marriage. Let’s consider them briefly, one at a time.

First, your husband has trust issues stemming from childhood. It is unlikely that you will be able to heal those issues—he needs to address them. He needs to seek his own counseling and talk about the rejection and pain from his childhood. He appears to be nursing grudges and anger, spewing forth onto you. Only as he embraces deep healing will those issues not be carried into your marriage.

Second, you suggest that your husband is depressed. He appears filled with resentment, anger and hostility, all signs of possible depression. Sadly, many men are reluctant to seek help for their depression. The only way out of this depression is for him to look squarely at the physical, emotional and spiritual aspects of his depression. I talk more about this problem in my book, Does Your Man Have the Blues? Again, he will need to seek help for this problem.

Third, continue to encourage his leadership in the home. This doesn’t mean, however, that you have no voice or that you succumb to abusive behaviors. You need to walk a fine line between honoring his leadership, and setting boundaries on abusive behaviors. Let him know that you will not tolerate hurtful words, angry outbursts and threats. Insist that along with apologies come repentance—turning away from sinful actions. If you don’t hold him accountable for these changes, you enable him to remain stuck.

Finally, you are to be commended for continuing to pray for your husband. Hopefully he too is praying for the welfare of his marriage and for his healing. Continue to hold him and your marriage up in prayer. God certainly hears your prayers for wisdom and will honor them.

Do you need sound, Biblically-based advice on an issue in your marriage or family?  Dr. David will address two questions from Crosswalk readers in each weekly column. Submit your question to him at TheRelationshipDoctor@gmail.com

David Hawkins, Pd.D., has worked with couples and families to improve the quality of their lives by resolving personal issues for the last 30 years. He is the author of over 18 books, including Love Lost: Living Beyond a Broken Marriage ,   Saying It So He'll Listen , and  When Pleasing Others Is Hurting You . His newest books are titled  The Relationship Doctor's Prescription for Healing a Hurting Relationship and  The Relationship Doctor's Prescription for Living Beyond Guilt.  Dr. Hawkins grew up in the beautiful Pacific Northwest and lives with his wife on the South Puget Sound where he enjoys sailing, biking, and skiing. He has active practices in two Washington cities.