In all of these critical decisions, seek the wisdom of the Lord—He promises to give us wisdom liberally. "If you look for it (wisdom) as for silver and search for it as for hidden treasure, then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God." (Proverbs 2: 4)
Dear Dr. David,
I have read some of your articles on Crosswalk.com but they usually address from a woman's position. What about the man whose wife cheated on him? My wife and I were married for sixteen years and the divorce was finalized this past March. I did not want this divorce and fought against it nor do I really believe in them. When my wife and I started to date she knew that I wanted to be in the ministry as did anyone who knows me. I started Bible studies, lead prayer groups, preached, and so on, have been active in the church. During our marriage she slept around, drank, and did drugs. I knew of three of these affairs but felt that if each of us followed God's Word and leading plus went to get Christian marriage counseling then the marriage would become stronger. Please help me understand what happened in our marriage. ~ Discouraged
Dear Discouraged,
Please see my comments in my response to the previous writer, as they apply to your situation.
In short, many marriages are in trouble for lack of some basic, healthy boundaries. Unfaithfulness occurs for various reasons, most predictable and preventable. When we examine a marriage in trouble we often find issues such as unhealthy communication styles, poor conflict management skills, a lack of healthy boundaries, a lack of sacrificial giving, and failing to take danger signs seriously. I am often saddened at the many marriages which falter, but where the couple has failed to heed the warning signs by getting in-depth counsel. Most couples are like the frog in the boiling pot—they feel the water getting hotter, but hope things will magically turn around. They won’t, and don’t. Cosmetic changes do nothing for us. God demands a heart change—a Godly sorrow that leads to repentance.
My hope for you is that you will critically review your marriage, explore your part in the dissolution, and make necessary changes. Vow that you will learn from the experience; that you will always seek God’s heart in every matter; that you will love sacrificially, but wisely set boundaries. Insist that any future mate shares these same values. God bless.
Do you need sound, Biblically-based advice on an issue in your marriage or family? Dr. David will address two questions from Crosswalk readers in each weekly column. Submit your question to him at TheRelationshipDoctor@gmail.com
David Hawkins, Pd.D., has worked with couples and families to improve the quality of their lives by resolving personal issues for the last 30 years. He is the author of over 18 books, including Love Lost: Living Beyond a Broken Marriage , Saying It So He'll Listen , and When Pleasing Others Is Hurting You . His newest books are titled The Relationship Doctor's Prescription for Healing a Hurting Relationship and The Relationship Doctor's Prescription for Living Beyond Guilt. Dr. Hawkins grew up in the beautiful Pacific Northwest and lives with his wife on the South Puget Sound where he enjoys sailing, biking, and skiing. He has active practices in two Washington cities.
