Editor's Note: Do you need sound, Biblically-based advice on an issue in your marriage or family?  Dr. David Hawkins, director of the Marriage Recovery Center, will address questions from Crosswalk readers in his weekly column. Submit your question to TheRelationshipDoctor@gmail.com.

“What about the way she treats me?” Ken said angrily, looking to me for help. His wife, Elizabeth, had just shared her frustrations with him during their counseling session.

Elizabeth winced as Ken continued to escalate.

“I don’t know why it’s always about what I’ve done wrong. How can she sit here and go down a list of every mistake I’ve ever made. She makes just as many as me, you know.”

Elizabeth started to cry. It had taken great courage for her to voice her concerns. She had even asked Ken if she could share some of her complaints about his behavior. Now, after having given her permission, he turned the tables on her.

“Ken,” I said slowly. “Do you see what just happened?”

“Yeah,” he said gruffly. “I see how we overlook her faults and focus on mine. I see how it’s all about me. I see how I’ve got to make all the changes.”

“No Ken,” I said. “Do you notice how you’ve escalated, becoming more angry by the moment? Do you notice that the angrier you get, the more accusations you make. The angrier you get, the narrower your focus seems to be. The angrier you allow yourself to become the more you talk in black and white terms.”

Elizabeth was silent now, slumped down in her chair. She wiped the tears from her eyes. Ken seemed to ignore her obvious distress.

Having worked with Ken and Elizabeth for several counseling sessions, and now working with them during a Marriage Intensive, I had witnessed Ken erupt like this many times. Always remorseful later, he seemed carried away by his emotions. He seemed oblivious of his actions while angry, but was always sorry hours and days later.

This counseling session reminds me of a letter I received from a man recently.

Dear Dr. David. I’m not sure what to do, and am hoping you can help. My wife loses her temper, and during her temper outbursts she says very mean things. She attacks me verbally, makes everything out to be much worse than it is, generalizes problems and hurts my feelings. It seems that for a short time she actually loses her perspective. She is always sorry later, but then the damage has been done. I’m wondering what I can do about this. I’ve warned her that I can’t take much more, but this doesn’t seem to slow her down. She’s always sorry later. Do I need to get tougher? Help.