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Monday, July 21, 2008Five Stages of Church WoundednessAn email from a pastor has been weighing heavily on my heart and mind. He was deeply discouraged and ready to give up his ministry. I suggested that he read the book TrueFaced because the practical theology drawn from Romans helped me recover from my own church wounds. I had hoped that the book would resonate with him as much as it did with me. Recently he responded.I did read the book. I have to say I struggled with it. I agree in theory but one of the main groups of people that have nailed me most is the let go and let God, being and not doing, grace is the only word in the Bible, people. They aren't all that gracious. I don't mean to disparage the book or you. I felt bad that I felt that way during my reading of the book. He had good things to say. I just heard most of it through the mouths of some of these people who have hurt me. It's not that I disagree, it's that this brand of folk who have nailed me say similar things and yet never once in my experience with them did it ever ring true in their actions.His response sent me out walking and praying and thinking. I had hoped that my words and the message of the book would begin to turn his spirit. And I felt a gentle message stirring in my heart as I walked.
Be patient. Encourage. Love. It is my timing and not yours. You were not ready to receive this message when the wounds were fresh.
I thought about my journey and I realized that the well-known theory of the five stages of grief applied to my healing. You have likely heard of the model introduced by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book "On Death and Dying" known as the "Five Stages of Grief". They are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I realized that I had to go through those stages to get to the point of healing. Hopefully I can shorten the time at each stage significantly as I mature in Christ and trust who He says I am. But I hope it helps those of you going through this difficult process to know you are not a failure if healing takes longer than you hoped.How did the stages play out for me? I will give the secular example followed by the spiritual parallel.
Denial: Secular - "This can't be happening."Spiritual – “How could a Christian do something like this? How can they read the Bible, hear teaching, go to Bible studies and then act like this? I don’t understand how this is happening!”
Anger: Secular - "Why me? It's not fair!"Spiritual – “I have given so much of my time and heart to this and now these so-called Christians have ruined it. How could you let this happen God? How can the church let these people do this? My blood pressure sky rockets everytime I think of them worshiping on Sunday and talking about me and others on Monday.”
Bargaining: Secular – "I'll do anything, can't you stretch it out a few more years?"Spiritual – “God I feel so guilty that I feel this in my heart. Maybe if I study harder, pray more and get deeper in the Word you will bring reconciliation and forgiveness. When I get better and do more for you I know you can make this better.”
Depression: Secular - "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"Spiritual – Pretty much the same. I reached the point where I simply got tired of striving and trying so hard to feel better and make the situation better. And then, to quote the very non-spiritual Bill Murray character in Stripes, “depression set in”.
Acceptance – Secular – "It's going to be OK."Spiritual – It took me a long time to get through the denial and a particularly long time to get through the anger stages. Does that make me a “bad Christian”? Maybe. But I am, at least, an honest one. I went full force into bargaining and doing all I could to become “godly man” so that this could get fixed. But there was one huge problem. That was all about my effort. I hated the depression stage most of all. It wasn’t the sleep on the couch and watch Judge Judy kind of depression. It was the very sad feeling that this was not really working and probably would not work. I still believed in Jesus but maybe the best there was to this existence was hanging on until heaven. I was still functioning but really tired and spiritually dry. That is when the message of the book TrueFaced poured the jolting bucket of grace over my parched soul. I was ready. Ready to believe that I could do nothing about my sin. Only God could. I began to understand my identity in Christ and how God saw me. I accepted who I was and I accepted that those other people were also flawed saints who sometimes sin (some more than others). And I began to heal.I also realized that not everyone is ready in my tidy little Dave Burchett world to received this message. My friend wrote this in his note to me.I want to believe that people can get along with grace and love but I haven't gotten there yet. I've seen glimpses, enough to keep me hopeful, but man, I've been hurt.I get that. Been there, done that and hated the t-shirt. Jesus gets that too (probably not the t-shirt part). But if I can say one thing with every ounce of hope that I can muster it would be this. Grace is real and true and no matter how much people misuse and abuse His Word and that wonderful grace word it is still true. I am praying for my friend to process his stages of hurt in his time and God’s time and be healed. I am praying that he will really trust what God says about Himself. I am praying that my friend will believe who God says he now is because of Christ. I will quote again the wonderful definition of the abundant life communicated so well by my friends at Leadership Catalyst.“The abundant life is comparing God's character, faithfulness and ability with my particular circumstances and believing that God's character trumps my circumstance.”
I am just learning to trust that truth after all of these years. Slow learner? You bet. But I am learning nonetheless.
Dave Burchett is an Emmy Award winning television sports director, author, and Christian speaker. He is the author of When Bad Christians Happen to Good People and Bring'em Back Alive: A Healing Plan for those Wounded by the Church. You can reply by linking through daveburchett.com
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Friday, July 18, 2008Three Decades of Varying Bliss
I celebrated our anniversary like so many other events in our lives by traveling to a gig in another state. We did celebrate a night early and she has learned to flow with my bizarre schedule. It hasn’t always been that way. The change has happened not so much with her but with me. I have gotten better at affirming my wife and learned how to make it a little less about me.
I did the American guy thing for many years. I worked too much. I took my young bride for granted. I craved success and praise for my accomplishments. And too often I left her chasing rambunctious boys and wondering if her husband valued her. I failed to lead her well spiritually for too many years. Yet today I am happier in my marriage than I have even been. And I believe she would say the same thing.
We have endured some really hard things. The death of a daughter. An armed invasion robbery in our home. Cancer. Yet we are happier than we have ever been. How can that be possible?
We have learned one important lesson that is communicated so well by my friends at Leadership Catalyst.
“The abundant life is comparing God's character, faithfulness and ability with my particular circumstances and believing that God's character trumps my circumstance.”
And that statement is absolutely true. I have heard so much stinkin’ bad teaching that the abundant life means financial blessing, perfect health and relational bliss. My experience has been financial ups and downs, health problems and seasons of marital joy and despair. For many years I thought I was doing something wrong. Where is this abundant life? And I finally figured it out. The abundant life is all around me. A wife who stayed with me until God could begin to get my attention. Three honest, bright and Godly sons (more good work by Joni). Great friends who have my back and love me even though they actually know me. More stuff than I will ever need and enough left over to give to others. And trusting a God who is trustworthy.
Joni’s breast cancer journey has also changed me. I know intellectually that there are never any guarantees that we see the next birthday or anniversary. Her cancer made that sink in. Now I pray to have the wisdom to live in the moment and enjoy each day.
My friend Mike lost his dear wife a couple of years ago. Recently over coffee he shared with three married guys how much he still misses her. He said these words that both convicted and inspired me.
“Guys, let me tell you something. Don’t take your wife for granted. You are probably thinking that you don’t. But you do and you are. Do not take her for granted because you never know if you have tomorrow.”
Mike speaks from the pain of experience. I know I still take my bride for granted. I know I still do not love her well all of the time. But I also know I am improving. And she sees it and she feels it and most importantly, she believes it. I know that not every marriage can work. I once wondered if my marriage would work. Thank God we didn’t give up.
Through all of the tough times and bad moments God proved faithful and trustworthy. He redeemed every heartache and every trial. God refined me through the storms and His love did trump my circumstances. There are the TV commercials about living the “high life”. I am not living the high life but I am living the abundant life with a woman that I love with all of my heart. I’ve gotta be honest with you. I’m good with that.
Dave Burchett is an Emmy Award winning television sports director, author, and Christian speaker. He is the author of When Bad Christians Happen to Good People and Bring'em Back Alive: A Healing Plan for those Wounded by the Church. You can reply by linking through daveburchett.com.
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Monday, July 14, 2008Slapped Back Into Reality
Today I am leaving paradise to return to my normal life. Since I still need to work for a living I knew this day would come quickly. An amazing week on Captiva Island, Florida with the lovely bride and great friends was soothing for the soul.
I was so soothed that I completely neglected the tens of readers for the week. I suspect the net results of that decision was summarized on Sunday by one of my favorite comic strips, Pearls Before Swine. The intellectual member of the gang, Goat, is looking dismayed. Resident cynic Rat asks him what the problem is and Goat responds that internet problems have kept him from posting his blog that day. Rat goes to window, looks outside, ponders for a moment and then announces this little bit of truth.
“And yet somehow the world goes on.”
I am sure the world went on just fine without pithy comments from your humble rambler. As I reflect on a week in paradise one memory keeps coming to mind. We were blessed to be on the beach when a couple of folks pulled up to a marked sea turtle nest one morning. To our surprise they began to dig into the nest. Having an inquiring mind I asked what they were doing. I learned that the eggs in this nest had hatched seventy-two hours earlier. These dedicated volunteers had marked the nest over fifty days earlier and monitored the site everyday since. Volunteers watch over hundreds of sea turtle nests each season. When the eggs have hatched the men and women dig up the nest, count the hatched eggs and also the eggs that did not hatch. An average nest contains about 120 eggs.
But what happened next amazed and inspired me. While digging deep in the nest the volunteer pulled up a struggling but very alive baby turtle. Moments later another turtle with legs flailing was brought to the surface after being buried in two feet of sand just moments earlier.
Our new friend Sam explained how this happens.
“When the eggs hatch the baby turtles climb on top of the other eggs and each other to reach the beach. These little guys missed the ‘elevator’ to the surface.”
I was amazed that they could breath for three days underground.
“They found pockets of air among the shells that kept them alive. Now we will keep them safe until tonight and we will release them into the sea. About one of one thousand will make it to adult hood. And if they do make it they will use a natural GPS to return from the sea to this spot to lay eggs.”
In an earlier blog I wrote that I often find sacred moments in unlikely places. This was one of those moments. Later I thought about the miracle of those two little turtles surviving despite very unlikely odds to at least get to the sea.
I thought about how it related to the message I tried (so far nearly anonymously) to communicate in my second book, “Bring’em Back Alive”.
That every believer is a precious part of Christ’s body. When even one is missing, the church lacks power and is less than whole. Whether we’re victims, perpetrators, or innocent bystanders we’re called by God to seek restoration. And when one of God’s sheep goes missing we have no choice: We must Bring ’Em Back Alive.
That message was demonstrated admirably by the sea turtle rescuers. Part of the survival of the turtles was related to their created will to live. But for those two particular baby sea turtles survival was entirely because two people cared enough to volunteer their time to pursue them. They cared enough to dig deep into the sand with no assurance of success. They cared enough to care for the babies and then give up more of their time to return to the sea that night to release the turtles to their destiny. And I suddenly felt saddened. Sad that really cool people like Sam will do that for baby turtles and that so many followers of Jesus can’t or won’t find the time to do that for fellow believers buried deep in the hole of despair and woundedness.
I was awed by the amazing drama of nature. Touched by the goodness of many people on this earth. And challenged by the thought that someone may be gasping for spiritual air today just waiting for me to care enough to dig a bit into their story and heart.
Today I am back to reality. Someday I will enjoy paradise that will make Captiva look shabby (what a thought!). But in the meantime I pray I will have a tender spirit that will seek, rescue and restore God’s wounded lambs with the same commitment that Sam and countless others rescue those plucky baby turtles.
Dave Burchett is an Emmy Award winning television sports director, author, and Christian speaker. He is the author of When Bad Christians Happen to Good People and Bring'em Back Alive: A Healing Plan for those Wounded by the Church. You can reply by linking through daveburchett.com.
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Thursday, June 26, 2008A Gentle Balance to the "Shack Attack"
One of the dangers of Christian blogging is dealing with the spiritual hall monitors who seem to live only to smack your heretical knuckles with their ruler of truth. So I risk their wrath (carefully chosen word) with today’s post.The novel The Shack has begun a wave of debate, hand-wringing, defensiveness and condemnation in Evangelical circles. The book has been called dangerous, subversive and heretical by many critics. I didn’t know any of this when a friend told me that he really enjoyed the book and I should read it. Since I have a book addiction I soon was in possession. I finished The Shack last week. I thought it was a decent and often good read. I was challenged and touched by parts of the story. And, to be honest, I was bothered by some of it. After finishing the book I did some internet research on what others were saying about the book. Some of the critiques were valuable and thoughtful. These writers pointed out where the book deviated from scripture. Some of the orthodox theological missteps were outlined in clear detail. A thorough review of those concerns was written by author/blogger Tim Challies. I would suggest you balance that critique with a defense to those concerns from author Wayne Jacobson. I will stay away from the theological debate because Tim and Wayne have presented both sides for you to evaluate. Instead I want to offer a few gentle propositions to consider for my fellow followers of Jesus as the discussion heats up.
Be careful about disparaging The Shack’s author, William P Young. Please be cautious about assigning motives to a person you don’t know from Adam and Eve’s first house cat. I know that I have been called things that were really surprising by my brothers and sisters in the faith simply because they disagreed with something I wrote. The truth is that I now disagree with some of things I wrote and I still think I am a decent guy. Mr. Young apparently was deeply wounded by Christians who should have protected him. I don’t believe Mr.Young set out to write a book that would rock the evangelical community. Apparently he didn’t even write the book with the thought of being published. It was originally written for family members to help them deal with their pain. It doesn’t seem that he set out with sinister motives to undermine theological orthodoxy. He is a fellow wounded traveler trying to reconcile his woundedness. When his theology goes astray I am suggesting that we gracefully point out those areas and don’t attack Mr. Young. Defending truth with grace is always the most effective tactic. But our passion for truth too often makes grace the first thing we jettison.
Be careful how you share your concerns with others. When I read comments like “are these people just blind to heresy?” I cringe. Because you reinforce the feelings of so many people that are moved by this book. They have experienced a Christianity that is judgmental and sometimes downright mean. If your heart is to be a guardian of truth you will damage that worthy desire by harsh criticism of those who are touched by The Shack.
Be prayerful about why this book has connected so surprisingly with millions. I think I know some reasons why this book is resonating with so many. Those of us raised in the desert of legalism are desperate for the cool, refreshing waters of grace. Those of us who have been wounded by other Christians want more than anything to believe that Jesus does love us and our experience is not how it should be in the church. We need guardians of the truth of God’s Word but we also need those guardians to be shepherds that care and not just condemn. Some of the articles have been so stern that I felt like I would be sent to after school detention when the writer was done. That doesn’t help a wounded believer. Jesus said to both feed and take care of His sheep.
Dogmatically telling people to not read the book may not be the best approach. If we know one thing about the law it is that telling us not do something generally inflames our sin nature. If someone wants to read the book give them thoughtful cautions and then discuss how they felt about the book later.
Don’t automatically decide you won’t read the book. If you don’t want to contribute to Mr. Young’s income then go to the library and check it out. Why should you consider doing that if you believe the book is off base? Because of a principle that I harp on over and over. When people open spiritual doors we should have enough sense to go through them. Instead we tend to slam those doors and then go knock loudly on doors that are closed. Obviously this book is connecting. There is a deep spiritual hunger in America. If a fellow believer or seeker comments on the book it will do little good to look down our spiritual nose and let them know the book is all wrong. The next question will be this one. “Did you read it?” If the answer is no that will be the end of debate for most that are touched by this book. Because it is an emotional book they will disconnect from your concerns if you did not even have enough intellectual curiosity to read the book. Instead I would suggest you read it and then engage the reader. You will be able to get through some pretty intimate doors that this book opens and have a great discussion of truth and grace.
Be aware that God is doing just fine. I have seen some pretty dire warnings about this book. One of the critiques that I read often is that the book makes God small. Aren’t we also making God small by being so concerned about the possible damage done by this book? God can, will and is using this book. I agree the theology gets shaky at times. But the truth is that The Shack is causing many people to think about things they have never considered. Some are willing to try again after being deeply wounded. Shouldn’t we be praying that God will use us to come alongside these souls as they search and seek the truth?
Acknowledge that there are the things this book does well. When you go negative it causes people to get defensive. It does more harm to make people who feel abandoned or hurt by the church feel “stupid” because they don’t know as much theology as you do. If you know that much theology don’t forget the grace sections. Mr. Challis writes these words about some of the positives in the book. “He affirms the absolute nature of what is good and teaches that evil exists only in relation to what is good; he challenges the reader to understand that God is inherently good and that we can only truly trust God if we believe Him to be good; he acknowledges the human tendency to create our image of God by looking at human qualities and assuming that God is simply the same but more so; he attempts to portray the loving relationships within the Trinity; and so on. For these areas I am grateful as they provided helpful correctives to many false understandings of God.”
Recognize the hunger in the world and even in the body of Christ. While some of the theology in The Shack is askew I would suggest that the theology of millions of people in the church is also deficient. We have done a poor job of teaching (or understanding) some of the key teachings of Scripture. Most of us get salvation. We could not be reconciled to a Holy God on our own. But then it seems to get a bit spotty. Too many of us don’t understand key theological truths like who we are in Christ, who God says we are and who God says He is. We know truth but don’t trust it. What is in our head doesn’t invade our heart. The Shack has touched the hearts of millions. The door is open for a thoughtful and real discussion. I pray that we don’t blow it.
P.S. If you want a resource that is theologically sound about the topics above I continue to recommend TrueFaced. It is the best and most challenging book on practical theology I have ever read. Instead of taking readers of The Shack to the woodshed get this book and take them to the room of grace.
Dave Burchett is an Emmy Award winning television sports director, author, and Christian speaker. He is the author of When Bad Christians Happen to Good People and Bring'em Back Alive: A Healing Plan for those Wounded by the Church. You can reply by linking through daveburchett.com.
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Friday, June 20, 2008Happiest Day Of The Year Is Off To A Rocky Start
According to a scholar in seasonal disorders at a British university you should feel happier than you have all year today. Cliff Arnall has analyzed such factors as outdoor activities, nature, social interaction, childhood memories, temperature and holidays — data gathered over a period of nearly 20 years in interviews with thousands of people around the world. His conclusion is that for 2008 today, June 20th, is the happiest day of the year. "People across borders experience happiness when they meet with friends and family and establish close social relationships," the University of Cardiff academic reported. "We need some close emotional ties." He used what he considers a "simple equation" to reach his conclusion — O + (N x S) + Cpm/T + He. O stands for outdoor activities, N for nature, S for social interaction, Cpm for childhood summers and positive memories, T for temperature and He for holidays and looking forward to time off.
Because I have written a lot about civility I am trying to be kind about this formula. Would it be impolite to suggest that I also have a formula about trying to determine the happiest day of the year? Mine would be something like this. P (H) = TN. P for predicting, H for happiness, TN for Total Nonsense. I guess the grumpy old man factor came out there. I can understand how summer time, family, memories, and so on would lead to potential happiness. I also realize this is not hard science and a fun argument so please hold your cards and letters.
Why I am a bit skeptical of circumstance based formulas for happiness? Because I am beginning to figure out that you can have joy even when circumstances wouldn’t necessarily reflect that emotion. Circumstances might dictate that today is far from the happiest day for you. Joni and I have traveled a difficult journey over the past three years as we navigated her breast cancer battle.
We found joy in this formula. J + P + (F x L) + T = Joy.
J is for Jesus, P is for Prayer, F is for friends, L is for laughter, and T is for trust. The formula works for us.
The Psalmist wrote these words.
This is the day the LORD has made;
let us rejoice and be glad in it.He has made both June 20th and the 364 less happy days that are envious of today. But I am actually okay with calling this the happiest day of the year for me. Because I am choosing to follow the instruction of Nehemiah to Ezra. You might remember these words from a Sunday School song.
For the joy of the LORD is your strength
Circumstance will too often rob you of joy. The airline industry certainly does their part. But you can choose joy in the Lord today. Mix liberal does of Jesus, prayer, friends and laughter together. Trust that it will work. Repeat tomorrow.
Dave Burchett is an Emmy Award winning television sports director, author, and Christian speaker. He is the author of
When Bad Christians Happen to Good People and Bring'em Back Alive: A Healing Plan for those Wounded by the Church . You can reply by linking through daveburchett.com .
