But even with those experiences, I do not really know what it’s like to be a single parent. I am nowhere near being able to accurately empathize with those moms and dads struggling to do it on their own night after night. Whether by death or divorce, or whether you’re the custodial or visitational parent, being a single parent carries with it a unique experiential perspective that cannot be fully understood unless you are one.

But rather than extend those of you single parents a little sympathy, I would rather thank you for what I’m learning from you.

I think we all can. And here’s what I’m learning so far.

Every parent is a single parent.

One of the things that plagues married parents is the continual negotiation of “who does what” with the kids. I believe a large part of this can be avoided by one simple step—operate as if you’re the only parent around. I know this goes against so much common wisdom about “teamwork” and “united fronts”, but operating this way really has revolutionized my relationships with my children. Here’s why.

One of the concepts I work with comes from Jamie Rasor’s book, Raising Children You Can Live With. He talks about the two sides of parenting: the “personal” side (play, affection, nurturing conversation, etc.), and the “business” side (scheduling, discipline, tough conversations about family rules, etc). These two sides get worked out in some fashion in every family, but the stereotypical way is that one parent is “the nurturer” and the other is “the disciplinarian.” This used to mean “Wait until your father comes home!”, leaving Dad no room to enjoy his kids. Now this balance has shifted, with Dad the stereotypical buddy and Mom having to do all the dirty work.

But single parents, because they don’t have the luxury of balancing the two sides with another person, actually get this right. The key is to find the balance within every parent. In order for me to be the best dad possible, I choose not to depend on my wife to do the dirty work or the nurturing work—I choose to do both as I see fit with each of my kids. And I encourage my clients to do the same. Choose to befriend your kids, play with your kids, learning to truly delight in them as individuals. But also choose to respect them (and yourself) enough to set consequences for their choices and follow through with ridiculous, yet calm, consistency.

This doesn’t mean crowd my wife out of her relationship with our kids, but it does mean that I have a relationship with each of my children that is not dependent on her. That’s one thing single parents are teaching me.