Figure out what’s behind your teen’s behavior. Recognize that the real issue isn’t your teen’s behavior, no matter how outrageous it is. Know that what’s most important are the reasons behind your teen’s behavior. Get to know what is motivating your teen to act the way he or she does. For example, is your teen reacting to a recent move, your divorce, or abuse of some kind? Instead of just trying to stop your teen’s reckless behavior, help your teen work through the issues that are causing the behavior.

Understand your teen’s needs. Consider how your teen may be using inappropriate behavior to meet appropriate needs, like security, validation, acceptance, value, honor, significance, meaning, and purpose. Whenever you catch your teen behaving in reckless ways, ask your teen to consider whether or not the behavior is actually working to help meet his or her needs. Instead of lecturing your teen, encourage your teen to come to his or her own conclusions about whether or not the behavior is helping your teen get where he or she wants to be in life.

Focus on three core components of character. When guiding and disciplining your teen, focus on what matters most: honesty, obedience, and respect. Do all you can to help your teen develop these qualities as part of his or her personal character.

Prepare your teens for the real world. Don’t try to insulate your son or daughter from the harsh realities of the world - know that if you do so, you’re only delaying the inevitable introduction your teen will have to the world, anyway, and you’re setting your teen up to rebel against you. Realize that once your child reaches the teen years, you need to help him or her mature by learning how to think critically and make choices for himself or herself. Rather than lecturing your teen, engage in discussions that respect your teen’s right to make decisions freely.

Allow your teen to make mistakes and learn from failure instead of rushing to bail him or her out of natural consequences. Give your teen the responsibilities he or she needs (chores at home, a part-time job, accountability for getting to school on time and completing homework, etc.) to move from dependency on you to the independence necessary to live on his or her own. On your teen’s next birthday (or at age 13, if your teen is still younger than that), celebrate his or her transition to more maturity with a special event like a ceremony, outing, or party (just as Jewish young people recognize their growing maturity through bar and bat mitzvahs).

Expect your teen to respect your boundaries (such as not taking your things without your permission and not expecting you to drive him or her to activities you don’t have time for). Respect your teen’s boundaries, as well, by giving your teen as much privacy as you can while still making sure that he or she is living a healthy lifestyle. Instead of trying to control your teen, build a home environment that will empower your teen to thrive in his or her next stage of life.