Hardest Hit: Pastor's Sons

While offering individual instruction for the Christian Nice Guy problem throughout the United States and Canada, I’ve discovered a dangerous pattern: The group of men who ask for help the most are pastor’s sons.

Let that sink in for a moment.  Think about its ramifications.

In No More Christian Nice Guy, I wrote about subtle and overt forms of spiritual neglect from the pulpit to the pews when we are encouraged to emulate a gentle Jesus meek and milk who really did not exist.  Now I’m going to reveal one of the most damaging forms of spiritual abuse that comes from the pews to the pulpit.  And like most spiritual abuse, it isn’t intention, though the result is sure real.

The pastor’s sons I work with are almost always separated, divorced, or on the verge of divorce.  Their wives or ex-wives complain that they just don’t possess the kind of vigor or fire that they want from a husband.  They sometimes complain that their husbands drain them of energy instead of invigorating them.

These men often have no definable self, a fact their wives point out, sometimes with disgust, when walking out the door.  Our sermons encourage us to have self-control, but these men don’t have a self to control in the first place.  They are anchorless and are often too easily influenced by others.

Because they’ve been trained to be pleasant to everyone, they often over-yes and under-no others.  Many think that it’s simply wrong to tell others “no.”  And when they do, they lose sleep at night.  Being human, having boundaries, feels unnatural and sinful to them.

They are resentful of how people have treated them and their families, and because they don’t think they should experience or own negative feelings, they don’t know what to do with them.  They often denounce them as unchristian as opposed to being honest and working through them.  As a result of poor treatment from others, they do not trust others very well, including their wives.