How Do I Decide Who I Should Marry?

How Do I Decide Who I Should Marry? Video by Matt Chandler

So How Do You Know Who God Wants You to Marry?

The following is excerpted from How to Know If God Wants You to Marry Someone by Sue Schlesman on Crosswalk.com.

...or, if God wants you to get married? Well, this is what God wants for you:

Abundant life (John 10:10)

Spiritual fruit (Col. 1:3-6, Gal. 5:22-25)

Unity and love for the body of Christ (Jn. 15:9-17, Eph. 4:1)

Using your gifts in the body of Christ (1 Cor. 12, Rom. 12)

Clarity and passion about the gospel (Col. 2:6-9, Matt. 28:19-20)

Marriage to a believer, if you get married (2 Cor. 6:14)

He wants you to fulfill your created purpose. If you can find someone who will help you do that and who you can help in their pursuit of Christ—and you love being with this person--that’s a good choice. Get married. If you don’t love a person who wants this for himself/herself or for you, you are headed for some trouble in your marriage and your spiritual development.

Scripture does not support the idea of “there’s one right person for everyone.” That’s Hollywood, Harlequin, and Disney’s doing. Yes, you can cite the story of Rebekah and Isaac, because Abraham’s servant went to find a wife for Isaac (in Gen. 24), and when Isaac saw her, he fell in love immediately.

Rebekah fit the criteria the servant had prayed about. But anybody could’ve come to the well and watered his camels. Rebekah might not have been beautiful, and she might not have agreed to marry Isaac sight-unseen. And we don’t really know if Rebekah and Isaac helped one another grow in their pursuit of God because they played favorites with their sons (which divided the family into two sides).

Their sons grew to hate one another, and eventually, Rebekah deceived her husband so her favorite Jacob could steal the blessing from his brother Esau.

So “the perfect person/love-at-first-sight” story breaks down a little.

The “love at first sight” makes fun dinner table conversation, and sometimes it proves true in a married relationship. But it also occurs in numerous disastrous situations. Take David and Bathsheba, for example (2 Sam. 11). Yeah, he was smitten (with lust, not love—he essentially raped her).

David and Bathsheba got married (even though David had other wives already), but David had to kill her husband to marry her and cover up her pregnancy. And their baby died. Not the best start for a beautiful marriage. Keep reading the story, and you’ll see that neither of them had a good life from that point on.

Do You Have a Godly Spouse Checklist?

If you want to know whether you’re dating a person who could be a godly spouse, then do a godly spouse checklist. Run through the criteria: is this person fulfilling God’s purpose for their life? Do you want to spend your life together? Does the person show honor, respect, and kindness? Are there red flags about habits or behavior?

Don’t make your decision about who to marry based on what people expect or want you to do. Far too many young couples tie the knot because all the friends tell them they’re “so cute together.” Don’t compare your girlfriend or boyfriend to a glamorized version of the “perfect spouse.” Fairy tales don’t exist. Marriage is hard work.

Choose someone who wants to work with you, not against you or in spite of you. Choose someone who is working toward the same goals that you are.

If you want a spiritual home and a spiritual spouse, he/she should be pursuing a relationship with God now, or don’t get married. Don’t assume that interest in spiritual things will happen after you’re married if it’s not happening now. The reverse is most likely true—your spouse will become less interested if he/she is placating you now by going to church or checking the spiritual boxes.

And if you’re already married, and you think you’ve made a mistake, you’re now faced with the same challenges that all married people face: you must work on an imperfect marriage and make it better. Although you can’t save your marriage single-handedly, one spouse devoted to God can influence their marriage toward change.