EDITOR'S NOTE: He Said-She Said is a biweekly advice column for singles featuring a question from a Crosswalk.com reader with responses from a male and female point of view.
Last week, for the first time ever, I confessed to my long term crush that I had feelings for him and asked if he felt the same way. He basically said that he did, but then he hesitated to move forward and wondered what I saw in him. He was self conscious about not making a lot of money or having as much education as me. I never worried about that though, and am just happy that he has a stable job that he loves. I also am a leader in my church and have higher titles than him, but think that his own spiritual maturity is equal to mine. My question is where do I go from here? How do I attract guys that are not so intimidated by my success, and how should I respond to those who seem to like me, but don't like me enough to actually have the courage needed to date me?
Several years ago, I explored this topic as it seems to be a common concern among many single independent women. Through a (somewhat) careful study, I discovered some interesting information and simplified (generalized) it down to three types of men which may help you to understand your situation.
First, there are those who are intimidated by successful women.
As “macho” men are supposed to be, many are not all they represent themselves to be. For some, it may just be immaturity as men have been found to develop and mature later than women. For others, it can be insecurity. Men are pressured (or taught) by society to be or live up to something that is often not possible, nor should be.
Those who fall in this category may be afraid to be “shown up” or “unveiled” and being with a female who is successful and assured accentuates their underlying being.
The second group are those who are not intimidated because they want that motherly figure. These guys have probably been taken care of all their life and never pressured to step up. These guys look for a woman to lead so they can continue the status quo.
The final group are those guys who are confident in who they are, know their responsibilities, lead a balanced life and appreciate an independent successful woman. They find comfort in knowing his wife (or future one) can take care of things when he can’t and is more than capable to on her own.
You sound like the type of person who may be looking for a guy in the latter category.
These guys can usually be found volunteering for service projects at church or in the community, attending events where they can further their education or grow personally, or socializing in constructive ways. Look at churches in your area for opportunities or check out local “Meetup” groups to see if there is anything that interests you.
If a guy likes you and doesn’t have the courage to ask you out, he probably doesn’t have what you want, at least for now. Life is too short to settle for someone who may never be God’s best for you.
I totally understand where you are coming from. The reality is for some men it’s an issue. It’s intimidating, for many people. I believe the enemy has long been attacking men to make them feel of little value or worth. That their identity is wrapped up in their work, their ability to lead with loudness, their ability to make money or empower others etc. But not every man in the Bible was loud, rich or good with words (Moses); they followed God and like you said, that is what appealed to you about this man. So, you have two options. You can pray and wait for a man that doesn’t care that you seem farther along in some areas than he is and is not insecure or you can settle.
Now could it change over time? Could your husband, by your prayers, his relationship with God, and your relationship grow and surpass you in areas, sure? But if he doesn’t, it really comes down to who he is in Christ. Does he know who he is? Does he understand his value? The enemy loves to confuse us on who we are and where God is leading us.
Please know there are many, many amazing marriages where women make more money, have more college education and so forth—mainly due to times changing. So, my question is how far apart are you? Because it’s really about compatibility. Are you meeting men who didn’t finish high school? Make min wage? Grew up with nothing? And you went to college, grew up with material possessions, and make a great salary. Then yes, you might have some compatibility issues but if we are talking about you finishing college and he hasn’t. You make $50,000 a year and he makes $40,000. These are just not big enough differences to me.
I have gotten to a place in my walk with the Lord that I am praying for a man who loves Jesus more than me. I don’t care what he does as long as he knows God put him there. If a man understands who he is in the Lord, then what you do, your education won’t matter because his security is in Christ, not the world.
So, keep praying girl, don’t settle, and seek the Lord’s best.
Psalm 119:2, How blessed are those who observe His testimonies, Who seek Him with all their heart.
HE is … Cliff Young, a Crosswalk.com contributing writer and a veteran single of many decades. He has traveled the world in search of fresh experiences, serving opportunities, and the perfect woman (for him) and has found that his investments in God, career and youth ministry have paid off in priceless dividends.
SHE is ... Kris Swiatocho, the President and Director of TheSinglesNetwork.org Ministries and FromHisHands.com Ministries. Kris has served in ministry in various capacities for the last 25 years. An accomplished trainer and mentor, Kris has a heart to reach and grow leaders so they will in turn reach and grow others. She is also the author of four books.
DISCLAIMER: We are not trained psychologists or licensed professionals. We're just average folk who understand what it's like to live the solo life in the twenty-first century. We believe that the Bible is our go-to guide for answers to all of life's questions, and it's where we'll go for guidance when responding to your questions. Also, it's important to note that we write our answers separately.
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Publication date: September 28, 2017