To Single Women: Men. Don't. Change.

If you're a single woman, can you think of anyone from whom you'd be better off taking relationship advice than a middle-aged man you don't know from Adam?

You can't? Me neither! Great!

So here's what I'm thinking: Being a guy means I know guys. And there's one critically true thing about guys that all women learn sooner or later--and that you should definitely learn sooner, which is where I come in. And that truth is that men don't change. You cannot change a man.

Anything that you say or do in hopes of changing a man is positively destined to fail.

If you're thinking about marrying a man, realize now that he is who he's going to be. If there are things about your potential life-mate that you don't like -- little habits, personality quirks, major behavior tendancies -- you need to ask yourself whether or not you can live with those things. If the answer's no, then move on to Bachelor Number Three, because Bachelor Number One isn't your guy.

You need to find a man you love exactly as he is.

Which can seem tricky, because who is perfect?

But here's the thing about that. Relative to whatever it is about any given guy that you think is a problem, ask yourself this question: Is that thing a matter of values, or taste? If he's behaving in a way that runs contrary to your values, then that's a serious issue. But if it's only a matter of taste--of preference, of just, when it comes right down to it, of him doing things differently than you do -- then that's a whole other deal. That's something you need to think about in a different way than you do things he's doing or saying that are incompatible with your core life values.

A value difference? That could be a deal breaker. A style difference? That probably shouldn't be.

For instance, let's say you love a guy, but don't like the fact that he rides a motorcycle. Is his riding a motorcycle a value issue? If not (and it doesn't seem to be: knowing a man rides a motorcycle tells you nothing about his character), then you need to decide whether or not you're okay with him riding a motorcycle. Because you're in love with a man who does ride a motorcycle. That's who he is. There isn't a different man inside of the man you love who doesn't ride a motorcycle, a man that you can somehow get to replace the man you know.

Your man rides a motorcycle. And though it sounds harsh to say, insofar as his riding a motorcycle is a problem, it's your problem, not his. There's simply nothing you can do to change the fact that he rides a motorcycle. You need to either be okay with his riding a motorcycle, or you have to say it's too much, and be ready to leave him over it.

The choice you can't make, though -- or can, of course, but really, really shouldn't make -- is try to change what is your problem into his problem by complaining about it, or trying to make him feel guilty about it, or (even) crying about it. Sure, at the time you do those things a guy may respond to the emotionality of the moment by saying (and perhaps even believing) that he will change -- but he won't. Because once the drama has cleared, something inside of him (which he may not even consciously register) is going to reassert itself, and begin telling him that you don't actually have a right to tell him who and how he should be. And that's going to put him right back on the path he was on when you first met him, the one he's been on all his life.