AVERAGE USER RATING
Recently On Singles
Featured Sponsors
Christian Living Resources, Bible Study Tools, Jesus Christ
He Said-She Said: When "Love" Is Abusive
Cliff Young & Laura MacCorkle
Crosswalk.com Contributing Writer & Senior Editor
EDITOR’S NOTE: Each He Said-She Said column features a question from a Crosswalk.com reader with responses from a male and female point of view. If you’ve got a question about anything related to singleness, please CLICK HERE to submit (selected questions will be posted anonymously).
QUESTION: I am dating this man in his early 40s, never married. I am recently divorced (1 ½ years). In the time that I have seen him he has said the most horrible things when we have argued (things I told him in confidence and trusted about my life). It’s like his Christianity is totally thrown out the door. He doesn’t like to talk about things that may be bothering me and says things like “We’re not going to talk about that right now” or “You need to just get over it.” He has hurt me mentally on so many levels. He breaks my spirit, but yet I sometimes feel like I should still love him and deal with him for some reason. I guess because I keep thinking love is patient. When is enough enough in a “Christian relationship”? I don’t know how to break up with him either, because he has temper tantrums.
HE SAID: I want to give your boyfriend the benefit of the doubt since he doesn’t have a voice in this. However, from the information you have told us, my immediate reaction is (and I’m guessing my counterpart would have similar thoughts): So, WHY ARE YOU DATING THIS GUY?!!!
I use the term “boyfriend” (signifying there is some commitment to the relationship) because if you are only casually “dating” while he is treating you like this, end of discussion.
I am a little perplexed why you would continue to go out with a guy who treats you so poorly. He doesn’t seem to have any redeeming qualities or sincerely care about you, at least from what you have shared. Aside from his verbal and relational skills, that need to “refined,” what attracts you to this man?
I wonder if he has any of the same characteristics to those of your ex-husband. Are you attracted to the type of person who needs to be “fixed”? Do you feel as if your self-esteem is rather low at this point? I only ask these questions to better understand why you are in this relationship.
Love each other as I have loved you (John 15:12).
We are clearly commanded to love one another, and we are to do so in the same way Jesus loved us: with grace, forgiveness, and mercy, unconditionally. However, we don’t have to be dating a person in order to care about someone. We are not called to be in an abusive relationship to love someone through their shortcomings.
Most Recent User Comments
Report this post
happyfamilyof2
6/2/2009 4:42 AM
My husband was abusive starting on our honeymoon (mostly verbal but very scary threatening too). He was a deacon in our church and no one else had a clue as to what he was like at home except for his 2 grown sons and his ex-wife. I was clueless when I married him. Three years in we had a child. Things got worse. My pastor counseled me that I didn't have grounds for divorce unless he committed adultery or was physically violent towards me. I prayed and prayed about this. Things were getting worse and I was afraid. I filed a restraining order to see if he would wake up and then when he didn't, I filed for divorce. Two days later, he killed himself. The thing is, he had been driving by and it was only by God's grace that I didn't end up dead too. I felt peace about what I was doing because when a man and woman marry, we make a covenant before God to love, honor and cherish each other. The husband is supposed to love the wife as Christ loved the church. He broke our covenant.
deathbecomzme
6/1/2009 8:39 PM
I realize this is an article on singles, but I'm wondering what ones thoughts are on someone who is married. I'm told I'm abnormal for feeling the way I do. I have been threatened with death if I leave, and have no one to turn to in this. He's even placed his hand on my neck, he didn't leave bruises, and he says he did not choke me. What does one do in a situation like this with five children? I'm at a loss because God doesn't seem to answer my prayers despite fasting and wanting to do His will in my marriage. Yeah, totally at a loss.
- Read more feedback
- Give us your feedback on this article - (login required to comment)
I have issues with my own relationships so i'm none to judge, but if I were in this situation that's how i'd see it (even if i had trouble coming to grips with that truth)