A gentleman once was expected to possess a martial spirit and, when necessary, to fight.  That this aspect of his nature is largely lost today isn’t accidental.  It’s a deliberate cultural jettison of valor in favor of a comfort-stupor.  Now when we think of a gentleman, we think of a pleasant and amiable guy.  He’s swell, a sweetheart, everyone’s buddy; he says “Golly,” with a grin, when he’s mad.  As I’ve said before, we aren’t very good at recognizing how cowardice and fear so smoothly masquerade as “pleasant and amiable.”

One problem is that gentle is such a misunderstood word today.  When Christian men hear or read about the virtue of gentleness, they often substitute “the vice of nice.”  This is especially true for younger men, and the results of confusing gentleness with niceness can be deadly when it comes to love, marriage, and fatherhood.

These guys get very nervous during conferences when I encourage them to embrace rugged virtues.  Our male-disdaining culture already has geared them to think manliness is wrong, so they huddle after I talk, and they pull their pastor aside, and they express their “godly concern” for what I’ve said, and they have “a check in their spirit” (whatever that means).  All the while their single Christian sisters pine for a man with some juice in him so they can respect him.

The force that a true gentleman brings into a situation or relationship is moderate and metered in its presentation—when being moderate and measured is an appropriate response.  It’s respectful—respectful enough to be both truthful and gracious.  Sometimes we see this in a show or a movie, when a mature police officer is able to diffuse a volatile situation with diplomacy, eye contact, direct speech, a straight back, and—this is critical—the threat of further force if necessary.  No need to use your Taser when its mere presence is working.