3. Major in reinforcement. Minor in punishment.

"If you have an interest in seeing someone change their behavior, you're going to want to major in reinforcement.  You must become a master at determining what is reinforcing the behavior you believe should cease."

For an extreme example, if your best friend is overweight and needs to begin an exercise program you could say, "John, you've put on MORE weight. If you don't start exercising soon you're going to burst out of your pants." That probably won't get you very far. That reference to punishment (bursting out of his pants) may get a short term agreement from John, but it's unlikely to bring about a substantial long term change.

You must discover what is reinforcing John's refusal to exercise. What does he GET when he doesn't exercise? He gets to save the money required for a gym membership. He gets to save the time needed to lift weights and experience cardiovascular exercise. He misses out on the soreness and discomfort that comes with a new exercise regimen. And on and on. There are many things that reinforce John not to exercise.

Your advice-and more importantly your actions-must move in a manner that counter-balances these reinforcements. In fact, you must reinforce the behavior you desire.

3. Remember, EVERY person's chief motivation is to feel good about themselves.

"Be more of a cheerleader and less of an analyst. Many people seem to think that a good impression is based on how they act. In my work with eharmony I often see people fuss and fret about how they acted during a date.

They will say, 'I blew it! I was too serious. I was too boring. I was too loud.' What they don't realize is the real key to making a great impression is how you make the other person feel. If you make the other person feel special and smart and wanted, they are going to want to be around you again and again."

Dr. Warren points out how these same lessons apply to the advice we offer. If done in a way that makes a person feel great, they are much more likely to heed the advice and return to you later for more of your insights.

Wisdom is one of life's most valuable commodities. Your personal growth is tied to your willingness to share wisdom in ways that validate the receiver. By following these steps you can become a master of communication in ways that enrich your most important personal relationships.

The eHarmony Research Library is a branch of eHarmony.com™, North America's most successful Relationship Building Service. Our precise technology searches a database of 500,000 persons to find truly compatible matches. Then, eHarmony's guided communication system helps you meet and get to know each other in an appropriate, in-depth manner.  Click HERE to learn more about eHarmony.