What does head mean in the ephesians passage - it does not mean boss or person who gives the orders - it means the one who goes first into battle, the one who takes the risks. there are two greek words for head, kephale and arche Paul deliberately chose the word kephale which does not mean boss. How was Christ the head of the church? not by ordering the church around, but by being the servant of all, the one who gave his life for the church. How does the church submit to Christ? not that well sometimes but in the end the church recognizes the great love and sacrifice of Christ and his servant leadership to the church. The husband is not to decide based upon what he wants and what benefits him - but on how he can love, cherish and nurture his wife as his own body. Each partner must focus on their own role. The wife submitting to the husband with respect to servant leadership and the husband loving and nurturing his wife in this way the world sees the love between Christ and the church.

I am a Pastor who has been with my wife for 20 years. We have 3 children and I have been ministering for nearly 15 years. While I do agree that God's intent was for a marriage of balance and that his intent was not for either partner to "rule" over or abuse the other, The scriptures are clear that God did set an oder in marriage and the husband has been given a God-ordained charge to be the head of his wife and household. Ephesians 5:21 does indicate mutual submission, but in what way? God goes on to explain the terms, by wives submitting through obedience and by husbands submitting through Christlike love. "In the absence of order is chaos". In the event of a conflict or disagreement someone must have authority to set order. God gave that charge to the husband. While this is not to be abused, it is surely not to be taken away. I could give several scriptural examples of God's design on marriage beginning in Genesis and going well through the New Testament, but space is limited...

Eph 5:21 is like a header, then 22-23 etc goes on to unwrap the package. No doubt some have used this verse to their personal benefit, & will answer to God for it. Most people don't see that there are two separate commands here; one for men, one for women. Husbands love wives AS CHRIST LOVED US. Men and women often just see the "position" & miss the HUGE responsibility this places on the man. If he mistreats her, even his prayers will be hindered!(1Pet3:7)No such warning is given to women. Authority is to establish ORDER & PROTECTION; not domination.
Col 3:18 also says wives submit to your husbands AS IS FITTING FOR THOSE WHO BELONG TO THE LORD. Submission deals with your attitude. If your husband tells you to do something contrary to what the written word of God says, you are not to OBEY it, BUT you are to be submitted. That is, don't throw it in his face, call him an idiot, tear him down etc. but let him know gently and lovingly that you can't do what he has asked or "commanded"