As I prayed, I remembered that the Lord could have chosen to avoid the horrific anguish of the cross. What if He had taken the easy way out? I saw that the value of His gift was measured by the greatness of his suffering. I told the Lord, with renewed strength, “I offer my pain to you as a gift. I will not abort this child.”

I kept saying it, even before I meant it. “I choose to love this baby with all my heart.” I willed my words into actions. In faith, I moved my hands as I timidly caressed my stomach. In faith, I moved my lips as I mouthed the words, “I love you.” No sound came out. I kept repeating the phrase until my brain found the secret passageway to my heart and I was free to taste the bittersweet tears of loving a child who would never love me. 

My wise mother said, “Try not to think about the future. Your baby is alive today-be alive with him. Treasure every moment.”

I talked to him, sang lullabies to him, and gave him gentle massages through my skin. I knew that I might have to do my best mothering before he was born. Each day I prayed, “Lord, please let him live long enough to know that he is loved. Let us have time to kiss him hello and kiss him goodbye. Let his life be free of pain and full of love.  Please Lord; give us the strength to bear this unbearable burden.”

Four months later, we met little Timmy, face-to-face. The nurse covered his fragile, 20-ounce body, in a soft blue blanket and matching cap. His heart monitor beeped an unsteady greeting as she handed him to me.

His beautiful little rosebud-mouth surprised me. It was an oasis of perfection. We held our emotions in check, knowing we had to pour a lifetime of love into a minuscule cup. Ron and I took turns rocking him as we kissed his soft cheek. Repeatedly, we told him, “We love you, Timmy.” He never opened his eyes. He felt no pain. His heartbeat got slower and slower and then, reluctantly, stopped.

We kissed him goodbye and introduced him, through prayer, to his Heavenly Father, “Lord, here is our son. Thank you for the gift of his precious life and for the privilege of being his parents. We release him into your healing arms. Thank you for answering our prayers. Amen”

Then we cried.

I looked at my neighbor’s tear stained face and said, “I had this ring made within a few days of his birth. I drew a picture of what I wanted, told the jeweler why I wanted it and he worked late into the night to have it for me the next day.” She looked closer as I explained the design. “The ring has two curved bands of gold. The longer one symbolizes my husband’s arm and the smaller band represents mine. Our ‘arms’ are holding a small, lavender alexandrite (Timmy’s birthstone.)

She was silent for a long time, and finally said, “You should be the only person in the world to wear that ring. I won’t copy it. Tell me about the diamonds”

“There are 13 tiny diamonds; one precious jewel for each minute that he was alive. I wear it on my “baby” finger. He’s always with me.”

 For you formed my inward parts, you covered me in my mother’s womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:13

Nancy C. Anderson is a author and speaker who encourages women to replace their fears with faith and discover the freedom of an abundant life. She is the author of “The ‘Greener Grass” Syndrome, Growing Affair-Proof Hedges Around your Marriage” (Kregel Publications 2004)