Ways to Engage with Sex
Chris LeggChris Legg is a licensed minister and professional counselor; he is the Campus Pastor for FBC Tyler’s South Campus; he also runs a thriving therapy practice in Tyler, Texas… counseling, speaking and consulting. He is a graduate of Texas A&M and Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary, with Master’s degrees in Religious Ed. and Marriage and Family Therapy, and has developed the Phalanx discipleship ministry for men. Chris and his lovely wife Ginger have been honeymooning since 1993, and have been blessed with three great kids: Mark, Ellie, and Holland. Chris can be contacted at 903 561 8663 or firstname.lastname@example.org Check out Phalanx, articles, and other resources at his website at www.chrismlegg.com.
- 2012 Oct 01
In the recent Seminar for Men, I quickly referenced the different engagements with sexuality – erotic, illicit and intimate.
I have gotten questions about it, so, in preparation for the rest of the articles on “insights helpful to men into regards to communicating treasure-hood to their spouses through sexuality” (or some other equally subtle and well-thought out title). The basics of what the treasure principle that I am talked about can be found at: (http://chrismleggcounselor.wordpress.com/2010/08/15/a-new-treasure-principle/)
So, with no further ado: Thoughts on the different facets of Experiencing Sexuality
There are at least two different ways to engage sexually… at least these two different ways of experiencing sex, and maybe three.
I have to start somewhere, so here is as good a place as any… First, a person can engage with sex in a way that is primarily erotic.
The Nature of the Erotic experience of Sexuality
I have already explained the Greek concept of eros, as I understand it, in the article about 5 different Greek words for love. (http://chrismlegg.com/2009/10/01/5-greek-words-for-love/). In this usage, I am more closely aligning the word with our common modern English treatment, though the Greek certainly still applies.
In this expression or experience of sexuality, the sex is experienced for its own sake, and for the sake of the excitement, pleasure, and/or emotions of it. One erotically engages with another person sexually in order to experience sex, and to receive (and give) the pleasure that can come with it. There is nothing inherently wrong with this, so far as I can see, but it must be understood as limited…
…like icing… or candy… or dessert. It can be a wonderful thing; but if someone tries to live on it, they will eat more and more and more and the more they eat, the more malnourished they become. The erotic experience of sexuality is meant to be enjoyed, but it would be wise to remember that it doesn’t have the ability to nourish long term. That is why if it is the only way that a person engages with sexuality, they always have to keep working at making it more, different, more extreme. To reiterate yet again, there is nothing wrong with the erotic experience of sex any more than it is wrong to have dessert as a part of a meal.
There is, however, a subheading under eros that is pretty much always based in sin…
… the illicit experience… the hidden, shameful, or guilty experience. In fact, this can be one of the most powerful aspect of erotic sexual experiences. Some people are addicted to it. It is extremely powerful, but it is always short-lived. This is the power of pornography, affairs, sometimes even just the pursuit stages of a relationship.
It is toxic to a healthy sexual relationship. In fact, this may explain why God’s Word calls for premarital abstinence… most early and virtually all pornographic expressions of sex are illicit in nature! Hidden, shameful, abusive, selfish sexuality is common before marriage – especially in adolescence (or earlier), when most people experience “adult” sexuality for the first time. If you suspect that you are somehow addicted to the illicit expression of sexuality, one great resource ishttp://www.pinegrovetreatment.com/. Carnes is the expert on these issues.
Erotic sex is essentially what our culture understands, and virtually (and sometimes literally) worships. Even though I believe that most of the erotic aspects of sex are a wonderful gift of God, like all things connected to the flesh, it has little power across time. It must be re-fed in always newer and better ways… like food and drink. When engaged with in wisdom, humility, and submission, they are sweet. When made a part of the overall sense of nourishment, they are a wonderful pleasure… but when worshipped or idolized, they are eventually poison to the system.
I mentioned that this is the expression of sex that the World understands. It prefers the illicit but understands the erotic. One of the most clear evidences of this can be found in the world’s solutions to any sexual problems.
Grab any magazine from the checkout lines, or purchase a merely secular book on helping with sexual problems (don’t, by the way). “Sixteen ways to spice up your sex life” on the cover of a women’s magazine will involve virtually nothing but new ways to bring more eros (like lingerie or something a little kinky) or even more often, illicit expressions of sexuality (pornography or other ways of involving other people). The world’s assumption is: if there is something wrong with your sex life, it must not be erotic or illicit enough.
That assumption, in my experience, is almost always inaccurate.
Generally, in my experience, when someone has a dissatisfactory experience of their sexual life, it is because they ONLY have illicit or even erotic expressions… so, to paraphrase the Apostle Paul, let me show you a more excellent way… Next week about this time!