John Shore Christian Blog and Commentary

Old Testament Celebrities! (Part 1 of 4)

You've heard their dramatic tales! You've gasped at their wondrous adventures! You've been amazed at how little space their stories actually take up in the Bible! You've tried to imagine what they actually looked like! Some of them you've kind of pretty much forgotten about, because ... you know, it's the gargantuanly dense Old Testament.

Well, here, for your edification (and in order of their appearance), are Famous Celebrities of the Old Testament!

God Created the universe. Quite famous. Is watching you right now. Back in the day, chose to reveal and very much involve himself in the life of the Israelites. Being people -- which is to say, being extremely independent and stubborn -- they tended to have real mixed feelings about that.

Adam Name is Hebrew word for "man." It wasn't Adam's fault that he ate the famous, labor-inducing apple -- Eve made him eat it. Famous quote: "The woman you put here with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it." Something less than an entirely stand-up guy, apparently.

Eve Name is Hebrew word meaning "life-giver." It wasn't her fault that she and Adam apple-gnoshed -- Satan made her do it. Famous quote: "The serpent deceived me, and I ate."

Satan Guilty! Forever! Needs to be executed, ASAP. The first of his two big appearances in the Old Testament is in the Garden of Eden. (Famous quote, from Genesis 3:4, where he's explaining to Eve why it's perfectly all right for her to eat the fruit God has forbidden her and Adam: "You surely will not die. For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil." What a slime bag.) His second big OT appearance happens in the book of Job, when Skankboy makes a bet with God that he can break Job. (His famous quote there is from Job 1:7, where he answers God's question about from whence he's come with, "From roaming through the earth, and going back and forth in it." Back and forth in it. Like the snake he is! Can't you just feel the ooze dripping of that silver-tongued cretin?)

Cain Adam and Eve's first born son. Murdered his younger brother, Abel. Famous quote (from when, in Genesis 4:9, God asks him where Abel is): "Am I my brother's keeper?" I'd say that's a no.

Abel Seemed like a nice guy. Certainly deserved a better fate.

Noah Astounding capacity for following direct orders. While busily constructing his ark, was the subject of much derision and merriment. Soon enough became most popular boat captain ever. Famous, pretty-much-wraps-it-up quote from the Bible about him: "And Noah did all that the LORD commanded him."

Next time: Abraham through Rachel.

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