10 Ways the Church Can Support Stepparents

1. Add to Premarital Counseling

“Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” (Mark 10:9)

Second (or third or fourth) marriages are statistically more likely to end in divorce. To help support blended families, to help keep together what God has joined, it’s important to be a support system from the beginning. You can do this by adding remarriage specific sections to your church’s standard premarital counseling. This is especially important for remarriages that include children from one or both spouses.

Our premarital counseling wasn’t designed explicitly for blended families. We did have an extra week that tackled some issues with a remarriage. The lesson, however, didn’t sink in deeply because it was taught by a single-marriage, non-blended family.

When my husband and I switched churches post-wedding, however, we found a specific ministry that was explicitly designed for blended families. It was led by a couple who were both on their second marriage, with kids coming along for the ride. The difference of being taught by a remarried couple was immeasurable. To feel understood and known was invaluable.

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2. Partner in Prayer

“I urge you, brothers and sisters, by our Lord Jesus Christ and by the love of the Spirit, to join me in my struggle by praying to God for me.” (Romans 15:30)

Paul needed support in his life via prayer partners. I don’t know about you, but I could use a similar support system, especially when it comes to wading my way through going from no kids to being the stepmom of two daughters.

Although my stepdaughters are kind, respectful, and overall great kids, it’s still a hard transition. I don’t have the slightest clue how to parent, let alone how to handle all the preteen-hormones coming in and out of our house every week.

But nothing makes me feel more confident than when I know I have friends and loved ones praying for me. To know someone is thinking of my situation and talking to God on my behalf makes me feel surrounded by peace.

Unfortunately, though, not everyone has friends and families partnering with them in this way. However, your church can come alongside stepparents and assign prayer partners. This person could check in with the stepparent once or twice a month via text, a quick hello at church, or maybe even over a cup of coffee.

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3. Look for Ways to Encourage Stepparents

“Anxiety weighs down the heart, but a kind word cheers it up.” (Proverbs 12:25)

Stepparents face a lot of criticism and harsh words, whether that’s from their spouse’s ex, society in general, or from being too hard on themselves.

But one way to help step-parents step confidently into their role is to give them encouragement. When you notice something the parent has down well, tell him or her. Be specific, too. Instead of saying “You’re patient,” say, “You had a lot of patience when John was having a meltdown. You handle it calmly, and it’s obvious that you’re really growing into being a parent.”

Also, when you see a step-parent struggling, offer encouragement. Let it be known that you have the same struggles, either as a biological parent or a stepparent. Stepparents are often excluded from friendly commiserating with bio-parents out of fear of seeming like the wicked step-parent. But knowing that other parents face similar struggles is such a lifted weight.

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4. Be Cautious of Judgment

“Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.” (Luke 6:37)

In recent years, there’s been an increase in awareness against parents judging other parents. However, it seems like stepparents got excluded from this anti-judgment zone.

And while few people are so brash as to flat out insult stepparents, there are a few typical comments that underhandedly pass judgment. For instance, remarks such as “Try being a full-time parent” are insensitive. Just because a parent doesn’t have children in their home every hour or every day doesn’t mean they aren’t a parent the rest of the time.

Other comments like, “You’re just the stepparent,” are belittling to the stepparent. No matter if kids are adopted, bio, foster, or step kids, a parent is a parent. They show up for these kids and bear responsibility. There’s no “just” about it.

As parents, we should be supporting one another with encouragement and love and cheering each other on in the season of life. This is essential no matter the circumstances in which children were added to the family.

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5. Provide Connection

“Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.” (Proverb 15:22)

No matter what stage of life you’re in, no matter what your family looks like, it’s vital to have a community of people around you who understand your journey.

And that can be quite challenging for stepparents.

There are numerous small groups, Bible studies, and special events for parents. But a ministry geared towards stepparents can be incredibly difficult to find.

Yes, stepparents could gain a lot from joining the groups aimed towards the broader spectrum of parents... but isn’t it nice to feel like you’re a part of a group of people who understand the joys, pain points, and challenges of being a parent figure to a child you didn’t create?

By creating a group specifically for stepparents, you’re acknowledging their presence, and saying “We care about you.”

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6. Include Stepparents

“There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.” (Galatians 3:28)

Okay, okay. I know this Scripture seems like a stretch but hang with me. If we apply this concept of inclusion to parents, it would read more like “There is neither a bio-parent nor stepparent, neither adoptive parent or foster parent, for you are all one in this journey of parenthood.”

All that to say, it’s important to acknowledge the differences that come along with blended families, it’s equally as important to include them with parents.

From my observations in church, stepparents (especially those who don’t have bio-kids and share joint custody of their stepkids) are often treated much like a single adult. People assume that having part-time kids and never birthing children disqualifies them to the struggles of parenthood.

When I say it like that, doesn’t it seem silly? Of course, stepparents face the same struggles as parents. There’s still angsty teen rebellion, confusing hormones, and the heartbreak of watching a child experience failure.

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7. Support the Entire Family

“Even so the body is not made up of one part but of many.” (1 Corinthians 12:14)

While Paul is using this illustration to talk about the body of Christ, the same metaphor applies to a family. There are many people, with different strengths, weaknesses, talents, and abilities, who all come together to create a family.

In the case of supporting blended families, it’s great to help one part of the body (stepparents), but it’s even better to help the entire body (the whole family).

Imagine a ministry that helps coach the adults on their communication skills with each other and with their stepkids, as well as provide those kids with tools to manage things like living in two households, coping with their parents' separation, and reinforcing the point that God is a faithful and loving Father. There would be immense life change in those families.

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8. Seek Out Training and Provide Resources

“How much better to get wisdom than gold, to get insight rather than silver!” (Proverbs 16:16)

Blended families are tricky. They come with unforeseen challenges, a ton of different moving pieces, and weird dynamics. And every family’s circumstance is different.

Now imagine trying to understand that complexity when you’ve never been a part of a blended family, on either end of the parent-child spectrum. That may be the case for some or all of your church leadership. 

It’s important that your church leaders are educated in some of the differences between traditional and step-families as to provide helpful services to both types of families. This might include research via books or education studies, or it may even involve reaching out to a local family counselor to lead an educational class for your team.

Another important aspect of education is providing resources to the family. Find a hearty list of Christian books, counselors, or classes to recommend when step-families seek your help.

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9. Don’t Be Afraid to Ask Questions

"What have I done now?" David replied. "I was only asking a question!" (1 Samuel 17:29)

Have you ever asked a question and received backlash? David’s knows how you feel. He got a scolding from his older brother after asking so Israelite soldiers too many questions about Goliath.

And it’s no secret that stepfamilies might come with Goliath-sized-baggage. The uncertainty that comes with things like custody arrangements, dealings with ex-spouses, and relationships with step kids can leave hesitation to ask questions.

But many stepparents are trying to find the balance between opening up to people without feeling the burden of being the evil stepparent who drones on and on.

One way the church can help facilitate deeper relationships with stepparents is by asking questions.

Don’t be afraid to ask about the custody schedule, the dynamics with ex-spouse, or how the adjustment is. It’s a welcome opportunity to talk about our family, too.

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10. Be a Friend

“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.” (John 13:34)

What step-parents need the most are friends. Trust me, I know this first-hand.

When I got married, I went from a single lady with no kids (and a lot of free time), to a having an entire built-in family. In the process, a lot of my friends got frustrated with my busier schedule and shift of priorities. Eventually, my invites stopped rolling in.

But the times that I do hang out with friends are glorious. It’s so refreshing to get some kid-free time with my girlfriends to catch up on life, laugh until our eyes fill with tears, and be filled with encouragement.

So keep sending those invites, maybe with a little more notice, and trust that your stepparent friends will come when they are able.

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Lindsey Brady is a new wife and stepmother who loves to spend time in nature or going for long runs. When she's feeling a bit more sedentary, she'll watch an entire season of any Food Network show in a single sitting. You can follow her on Instagram at real.slim.brady.