How Do You Save a Relationship That Has Gone Cold?
- Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young
- 2017 5 Jan
EDITOR'S NOTE: He Said-She Said is a biweekly advice column for singles featuring a question from a Crosswalk.com reader with responses from a male and female point of view. If you've got a question about anything related to singleness or living the single life, please submit it to firstname.lastname@example.org (selected questions will be posted anonymously).
I am really having trouble in my relationship, towards the end of last year, I lost my job and my savings could not allow me keep living on my own, so I decided to move in with my parents again. It has been a year now, I was lucky to get employment 3 months back.
My girlfriend has been by my side until recently when the whole idea of staying with my parents started haunting her, I am looking around for a house to move in and will be living on my own next month.
Here is the problem, the relationship has become un-bearably cold, i am the only one calling, sending texts and trying to make contact, she seems to be losing interest in the relationship even after I have convinced her that I am moving. She told me it is what is bothering her.
Please advise on how I can go about with this. I am spending most of my money on getting my own house. Please help me save this relationship, I honestly love the girl.
It sounds like you’ve been working your way through a rough, but very common, period of your life.
Your job loss and subsequent move back with your parents has alerted your girlfriend to your fiscal instability at this moment in time.
Many women, I have found, want, need and desire a sense of calm and steadfastness in a relationship, and an element to that is a consistency in finances. Most long to have a place to call (and make) home. You said it yourself, “when the whole idea of staying with my parents started haunting her….it is what is bothering her.”
It would be hard-pressed to find someone who would opt for moving in with their in-laws instead of having their own home except in extreme or under unique circumstances.
Your girlfriend is undoubtedly looking down the road and wondering what her future holds with you.
Continue to pursue her, but also do everything in your power to eliminate any debt you may have, reduce needless spending and be fiscally responsible.
For the time being it may mean living at home a little longer than you want to save money, it may mean working two or three jobs to successfully and responsibly move out, or it may mean sacrificing some of your activities and expenses.
Dave Ramsey provides many resources to help people become financially solvent, many of which are available at churches. Maybe you and your girlfriend can attend a class together.
Whatever the case, there’s nothing wrong with living with your parents (and be thankful you can). Set a goal of saving a certain amount of money by a definitive date so that you (and she) can track your progress. Besides showing her, more important is proving to yourself you can make a significant goal, work towards it and achieve it.
Ultimate demise of your relationship will be if you need to move back in with your parents for a second time, so proceed cautiously.
Congratulations on the new job and moving out of your parents’ home. While I can understand the circumstances of having to move back in with your parents versus being homeless, I can also understand your girlfriend’s concerns. As you said, she has continued to date you while you were living with your parents for a year. You also mentioned that you feel like you are having to convince her that you are in fact moving back out. So perhaps some of her concern has been along the idea of doubting your intentions. If you have told her on different occasions that you were moving only to stay, she may be tired of this. She may have stopped trusting that you will actually follow through. And trust is critical in all relationships.
But on the other hand, you have to ask yourself if she still loves you. I know that’s not what you want to hear. However, to me, it sounds like she has already moved on. Her lack of communication is a clear message she has left the relationship. My only advice at this point is 1) get her to speak with you in person and tell you it's over and perhaps why (so that you can learn from this); 2) Follow through with moving out of your parents home and move on. If in fact, her concern was the lack of moving out in a timely fashion, then once she hears that you have, perhaps you can start communicating again and rebuild trust. Remember the number one reason why relationships fail is poor communication.
Lastly and definitely the most important is prayer. Before you do anything give it to God to sort out. (Psalm 32:8 I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my loving eye on you.) Pray for direction and what to say. When you do ask to meet, let her know you are praying for God’s direction. When you meet, pray before you talk, trusting God for His next step—even if it means you are not together. God knows what is best in all situations.
Those who know your name trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you. Psalm 9:10
HE is … Cliff Young, a Crosswalk.com contributing writer and a veteran single of many decades. He has traveled the world in search of fresh experiences, serving opportunities, and the perfect woman (for him) and has found that his investments in God, career and youth ministry have paid off in priceless dividends.
SHE is ... Kris Swiatocho, the President and Director of TheSinglesNetwork.org Ministries and FromHisHands.com Ministries. Kris has served in ministry in various capacities for the last 25 years. An accomplished trainer and mentor, Kris has a heart to reach and grow leaders so they will in turn reach and grow others. She is also the author of four books.
DISCLAIMER: We are not trained psychologists or licensed professionals. We're just average folk who understand what it's like to live the solo life in the twenty-first century. We believe that the Bible is our go-to guide for answers to all of life's questions, and it's where we'll go for guidance when responding to your questions. Also, it's important to note that we write our answers separately.
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Publication date: January 5, 2017