We all know that marriage—especially Christian marriage—is under attack.
And while there are complicated reasons why husbands and wives don’t get along (or may even divorce), many, many times our marriages suffer simply because we stop intentionally investing in them.
And often the first “investment” to go? We stop having sex.
Or maybe we are still having sex occasionally (of course every marriage is different), but here’s the real issue:
We are no longer making love to our spouses.
And friends, this is why our marriages (and thus, the foundation of our families) is slowly eroding.
Wives, we have a thousand good excuses for why we’re not having sex (or if we are, why we’re not making love):
- My husband and I are so busy!
- He has a hectic travel schedule.
- We are just too tired after a long day.
- We’re bored with each other.
- We just don’t “feel like it.”
But here’s the thing (and I’m not going to sugarcoat this):
We have to find a way to overcome these trials for this season in our marriage, whether it’s easy or not.
We have to place “making love” at the top of the priority list–before kids, before work, before everything.
Why the emphasis on sex and making love? And what’s the difference between the two?
And what can we do today to start making love and investing in our marriages more?
That’s what I want to talk about today–not as a marriage expert, but as a Christian wife, mom and woman who has seen so many friends lose their marriages, and who herself has seen her own marriage erode when she’s ignored the critical element of making love to her husband.
Make no mistake–what we talk about in this post may save your marriage, or that of someone you know.
Yes, what I’m about to say is THAT important.
Why Making Love (and Not Just Having Sex) is Key
God gave us sex as an amazing way to–over and over, throughout the life of a marriage–cement the bond between a husband and a wife.
And, contrary to what we’re repeatedly shown in television and the media, the best sex is about more than just getting turned on or sexually excited.
Sex is the balm that covers over the hurtful words we say and the offenses we commit against one another.
It’s the place where we come and mend our wounds–a special connection shared with no one else that brings the closeness that we desperately need when dealing with rebellious children, challenging finances, or chronic illness.
And when a couple makes love with the intention of pleasing each other (and not just their own physical desires), sex also becomes an incredibly beautiful mini-portrait of marriage overall.
We’ve got to get past the fact that the physical attraction may no longer be there (because that will wax and wane) (Proverbs 31:30-31).
We’ve got to ignore the idea that marriage (and even sex) is about each person giving an equal part, and instead embrace that it’s about both spouses giving 100 percent. Period. (Romans 12:1)
And we absolutely need to recognize that porn, erotica or other non-biblical sexual stimuli we may bring into the bedroom in order to “spice up our sex life” are as destructive as wildfire. These may seem to bring the solutions we seek (we want more sex, right?) but instead of inviting “making love” into the bedroom, we end up turning our beautiful sexual connection into simple animal lust.
We’ve got to stand up and change our mindset about making love (even if our spouse isn’t on board yet) and to completely and utterly make great sex a priority in order to nourish, protect (and perhaps even save) our marriages.
First, we need to recognize two things: We need to understand the enemy’s plans against our marriage; and then, we need to determine where our marital weaknesses lie and make the changes we need.
The Enemy’s Plan against Your Marriage (and Great Sex)
Your marriage has an enemy, whether you believe it or not.
He was there on your wedding day, and he’s been plotting to destroy you, your spouse, your kids and everything good in your family since you said “I do.”
He may be sly and cunning, but he’s got one huge fatal flaw in every single one of his plans:
The enemy simply cannot stand against God and his plan for the family.
The enemy has NO chance, and he knows it.
That is, unless… we open the door and invite him in.
Unless we allow him to keep us busy in other (often good) areas of life so that we keep our eyes off of sex and our foundational marriage relationship.
Unless we ignore our spouse’s needs, fighting for the rights “we deserve” in marriage and forgetting that true love is others-centered instead of me-centered (1 Corinthians 13).
Unless we let the everyday annoyances (which will never fully go away) to build an impenetrable fortress around our hearts that turns marriage into a contract instead of a cherished covenant (and turns making love into a duty). (Song of Solomon 2:15)
Overall, our enemy takes the most powerful glue in marriage–the incredible joy of sex and marital intimacy–and twists our desires into lust (which he is more than happy to fulfill through pornography)and complacency (distracting us with “good things” so that marital closeness becomes a back-burner item).
But here’s our hope: God wants to give us more than lust and complacency.
He wants us to have close marriage relationships… and it starts with a marriage bed that is passionate and thriving.
We Need More Sex (Truly!)
Bottom line, you and I need more sex with our spouses. We need to take whatever steps necessary to remove every obstacle that seeks to keep us from making love to our spouses.
We need to make drastic changes, starting today, that will not only improve our marital relationship but strengthen our family God’s way.
Regardless of your feelings (or of where your spouse may stand on this topic), it starts with you, and it starts with me.
Pray and ask God right now how He wants you to change here.
Let’s protect our marriages by choosing to be intentional with our spouses and make love more often!
Alicia Michelle, author, speaker and blogger at YourVibrantFamily.com, is passionate about helping women discover their beautifully imperfect journey through parenting, marriage, homeschooling, faith and homemaking. She’s also happily married homeschool mom of four curious and amazing kids who keep her on her toes!
Alicia is the author of the books Plan to Be Flexible and the Back to School Survival Manual. She also teaches the online video courses “7 Days to a Less Angry Mom,” and “bloom: A Journey to Joy (and Sanity) for Homeschool Moms”.
You can find Alicia at YourVibrantFamily.com, as well as on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, and Instagram.
Publication date: June 6, 2016