Wives: Please don't read this. There's nothing here for you to learn. Thank you very much.
Husbands: As you know, arguing is a big part of being married. The main thing about an argument with your wife is that you never want to lose one. Losing an argument makes you look stupid. Besides, would you have ever even gotten into an argument with your wife if, going in, you didn't know you were totally, 100% right about the subject at hand? Of course you wouldn't have.
Remember: If you're in an argument, you are right about whatever it is you're arguing about. Don't let your wife's feminine wiles or disturbingly keen grasp of analytical logic dissuade you from this all-important fact. You are right. You are right, you are right, you are right. You know it. The key is getting her to know it.
Here are some hard won tips I'm sure can help you win your next argument with your wife.
1. Don't talk. Never forget that silence is golden. If you're in an argument with your wife, it's unlikely your case will be strengthened by your talking. If you clam up by reading or watching TV, chances are good that your wife will eventually scream herself hoarse, and then give up the fight altogether. Score! Remember that in a genuine, down-and-dirty argument, a tie is as good as a win. Never lose sight of the fact that ultimately refusing to participate in a fight means winning that fight.
2. Change the subject. A lot of times in a fight the wife will insist on sticking to the subject. Don't let this dastardly strategy distract you from one of your key objectives in any argument with your wife, which is to as often and subtly as possible change the subject. Remember: It's hard to hit a moving target. Stand firm in your resolution to constantly duck and switch. Sure, your wife may be smarter than you. But you're the man of the family. That means you're faster. Do not hesitate to avail yourself of this natural, God-given advantage.
3. Be conciliatory in a harsh tone. Women are extremely sensitive to tone. If in a harsh, argumentative tone you say things that are in fact conciliatory, you can oftentimes confuse your wife into not being sure whether she's lost the argument or not. This can create a situation in which you can force the draw, or even go for the win. Never forget the classic Male Fight Line: "Oh, I see. So now we're not talking about what I said, but the tone I said it in. Great. So we've just entered crazy land." This arguing technique allows you to concede just enough to let her think she's won something, but to then take it back by accusing her of being too emotional to recognize when you've attempted a compromise. Perfect!
I could go on, but I think these three argument strategies should be enough to ensure any husband's victory in a fight with his wife. They've always worked for me, anyway.
Okay, fine. They've never worked for me. But I'm not going to let that stop me from continuing to employ them in every fight I ever have with my wife. And I hope that you, my fellow men out there, will also never stop using these venerable husband arguing techniques, which I am sure you join me in feeling confident must one day, finally, if only in one stupid argument, prevail.
Related post: Top 10 Tips For Becoming A Better Husband.
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