Last night was supposedly television’s "biggest" night.  And I’m not talking about NBC’s National Football League game with the New England Patriots’ win over the San Diego Chargers.  Ohhh no.  I’m talking about the Emmys—the award show for all things primetime on the telly.

So … if you had the choice to either shove bamboo shoots underneath your fingernails OR to watch FOX’s telecast of the 59th annual Primetime Emmy Awards, here’s to hoping, H-O-P-I-N-G, that you were occupied by the former.  I promise you … it was much less painful.

In fact, in the words of USA Today’s critic Robert Bianco, “it may finally no longer be possible for the Emmys to get worse.”  Righter words were never typed.

And I didn’t even watch all of the Emmys.  In fact, I barely watched any of it.  I found out pretty much all I needed to know during the pre-telecast with host Ryan Seacrest, who, in case you were ever, EVER, to forget during his numerous, repeated and every-other-nano-second reminders, was hosting not only E!’s pre-telecast special, but the entire Emmy awards on FOX and the E! post-telecast, too.  He's the "hardest working man in show business" or the most in need of a vay-cay.  Or a life. 

Let’s just say I was done with all things Seacrest after about three minutes of the pre-telecast.  Why is that, you ask?  Well, how about the interview segment with Ali Larter, one of the stars of NBC’s hit series Heroes.  During the brief (a miracle!) chit-chat, Mr. Seacrest brought up one of Ali’s very first (and I’m thinking most embarrassing) roles in a film called Varsity Blues.  Of course, he had to show the scene where she is pretty much naked, except for some strategically placed whipped cream (so that she would not technically be sans clothing, if you get my drift). 

Ali wrinkled her nose and giggled nervously in response.  Ryan raised his eyebrows and grinned.  And I was mortified to see this on TV.  However, E! is a cable channel, so I guess I shouldn’t have been too, TOO shocked.  Still, what if I had been watching the pre-telecast with my teenage niece or nephew?  Is this what they should see on a pre-telecast show for an awards show?  No warnings that this verynearRrated scene was going to be displayed during what seemed like an innocent interview. 

I’ll know better next time.  I probably should’ve watched another pre-telecast show on one of the tamer, more family-friendly network channels.  Because how could something VERY similar to a “wardrobe malfunction” of a certain Super Bowl half-time show of years gone past EVER happen again on a network channel, right?  But I digress. 

A final thought … I did channel-surf back in time to see Sally Field’s incoherent, bleeped-out ramble of an acceptance speech for her win in the “Best Actress in a Drama” category for her work as the matriarch in ABC’s acclaimed series, Brothers & Sisters

“Let’s face it,” she ranted onstage, “if the mothers ruled the war, there would be no g-- d--- wars in the first place.”

But, really … she had no agenda, or so she said backstage after her win.  She’s just a mom. 

So what’s the moral of this blog today?  Well, you didn’t miss anything on television’s “biggest” night if you didn’t watch.  And if you DID watch, you may just have been reminded why you don’t need to watch anymore. 

Note to self:  No more Emmy Awards.  And perhaps no more awards shows.  Ever.