The rest of us should count our blessings, watch our attitudes, and do what all good couples in conflict do––compromise. We may not be totally up for an afternoon away from home or a weekend road trip, but more often than not, once we get there, we’ll have a great time stepping into the environment that helped our spouse become who they are in this new family our marriage created.

A seasoned perspective…
Deborah Raney

There are three hot-button topics that are a source of conflict at some point in most marriages. Sex and money vie for first place, perhaps. But arguments about in-laws must surely be close behind. The issue of where to spend holidays, whose family traditions will win out, whose side of the family the kids will be named after, etc. are questions any couple with parents and siblings still living will have to deal with at some point. Even if your in-laws are deceased or uninvolved, you still deal with them—for better or worse—via the influence they had on your spouse.

Probably the biggest in-law issue (both parents-in-law and children-in-law) that we’ve dealt with over the years of our marriage is how much time would be spent with each set of in-laws. Of course, we each have tended to want to spend more time with our own family, to celebrate holidays the way they were celebrated in our family of origin, to prepare foods or keep our home the way our mothers did.

Fortunately, over the years, we’ve seen our separate family traditions meld into our own individual Raney family traditions—the ones our children will probably argue about with their spouses. Hopefully, we’ve honored each other’s right to treasure and carry on meaningful family traditions. 

Thankfully, the in-law problems in our marriage have been few and far between. We believe there are several reasons for that:

• We both come from large families, so the attention of our in-laws has been “diluted” between numerous siblings and grandchildren.

• One set of in-laws lived 1500 miles away for many years and we only saw them once or twice a year. The other set of in-laws was involved in mission work and spent winters out of state or sometimes out of country. (If you have a strained relationship with your in-laws, it might be helpful to limit the time spent with them as much as is lovingly possible.)

• Both sets of our in-laws took a very hands-off approach. They were there if we needed help or advice, but they’ve never been overly involved in our lives. If anything, there have been times we wished they would visit us more often.

• Neither of our parents have ever sided with their child against the in-law. Instead, they have respected and honored our marriage and sought to encourage us in our relationship by praising the good qualities of the person their child chose to marry.