Pour on positive attention. Know that each of your kids wants as much positive attention from you as you can give. Every time your kids make respectful choices, speak encouraging words to them (such as, “Right after I asked you to get ready for bed, you zipped up the stairs right away! Great job; I’m proud of you!”) and reach out with warm, physical touch (like hugging them or gently squeezing their shoulders). Identify specific respectful behaviors you’d like to see increase, watch carefully for when your kids demonstrate those behaviors, catch them in the act, and reward the respectful behavior with focused positive attention. Try to give each of your kids at least five positive attention rewards every day.

Jumpstart your efforts with a behavioral contract. If one of your kids is stuck in a rut of disrespectful behavior, use a behavioral contract (a detailed agreement that connects a certain positive behavior with a specified reward) to give him or her a boost. Specify the behavior you want to increase, focusing on just one behavior at a time. Explain why this behavior is important to your family and to God, and how the contract will work. Develop a reward menu that spells out what privileges your child can earn through good behavior (ask him or her to suggest some privileges he or she would like). Discuss how the rewards will be earned, and write up the contract. Then evaluate how the contract works in actual practice, and make any adjustments that need to made. When you think your son or daughter has improved sufficiently and made respectful behavior an established habit, phase out the contract.

Present your kids with a fork in the road. Show your kids that disrespectful behavior works out badly, fast, and every time. When your kids start to act disrespectfully, remind them of how to handle the situation respectfully. If your kids don’t respond respectfully after one or two reminders, tell them exactly what to say or do to turn the situation around, and let them know what will happen if they continue to behave disrespectfully. For example, you could say, “Kayla, I’d like you to pick up your pencil and start your homework right now, or you’ll go to time-out.” Give your kids five to seven seconds to decide. Then either immediately praise a positive choice or administer a negative consequence. Be consistent and don’t give up, remembering that your kids will eventually learn to turn their behavior around.

Use time-outs wisely. Know that a time-out is not intended to be a punishment; it’s an opportunity to help kids calm down and get a fresh start. Tell your kids that their job while they’re in time-out is to think of a new plan for better behavior. Choose a time-out spot that’s boring (such as bathroom or the bottom or stairs) so your kids aren’t distracted by anything fun to look at, hear, touch, etc. Make sure the spot is also safe and easy for you to monitor. (If you’re out in public, either use a private spot such as your car or go home as soon as possible and immediately begin time-out there.) Tell your kids that they need to have quiet feet, hands, and mouths while they’re in time-out. Keep the time-outs short – just three minutes. But lengthen the time-outs by one minute (up to a 30-minute maximum) every time your kids demonstrate noisy feet, hands, or mouths. Be sure to use a timer to keep track of how long the time-outs are running. If your kids refuse to go to time-out soon after you tell them to do so, or if they act up in time-out and reach the maximum time limit, take away one of their favorite privileges.