Editor's Note: Do you need sound, Biblically-based advice on an issue in your marriage or family?  Dr. David Hawkins, director of the Marriage Recovery Center, will address questions from Crosswalk readers in his weekly column. Submit your question t TheRelationshipDoctor@gmail.com.

“She told me she doesn’t love me anymore,” I read in a recent email from a man in obvious distress. “She packed up her things,” he continued, “moved into an apartment, and is threatening a divorce. After twenty years she said she was done with me. She took our kids and left. So I went and got an attorney. I need to protect myself.”

“Yikes,” I thought to myself. “Here is another lost opportunity to possibly save a marriage. Here is a man reacting to a bad situation, making it worse.”

I arranged to speak with the man the next day. Chuck is a thirty-five year old man, father of three, facing a divorce. Like most in his situation, he is panic-stricken. He didn’t see this coming and is now frightened that not only might his marriage be lost, but half his pension, half his estate, and half of everything he has worked hard for over the years. He fears not seeing his children every day, and wonders what his life will be like without his companion. His friends have told him to protect himself with legal counsel.

“She’s really angry with me, partly for good reasons,” Chuck told me. “I haven’t been the kind of husband I ought to be. I drank too much at times and have had a temper problem. I didn’t want it to come to this but I guess there’s nothing I can do about it now. She’s gone, won’t go to counseling, and is talking divorce. Is there anything at all I can do to save the marriage?” 

I made it clear to Chuck that I was not an attorney, and would not offer legal advice. However, I had a few thoughts about how to do everything in his power to save his marriage. Filing for a divorce, in the face of his wife’s threats, would probably not help his cause.

In a climate where divorce is common, and marriages stand only a 50/50 chance of survival, many find themselves in an adversarial mode even before reaching divorce court. By the time one mate leaves the home, the adversarial fires are often burning very hot, often propelling the marriage into Divorce Court. The very adversarial, combative atmosphere that may have led to the separation is the one that can put the final nail in the marital coffin.

But, things don’t need to be this way. Here are seven steps I encouraged Chuck to take—none of them easy, and none guaranteed to solve all his marriage problems. All, however, could enhance the possibility of saving his marriage.